LAUGH LINES : Jokes

This just in: Investigative comedy writer Bob Mills reports that the 4,000-pound great white shark caught off Santa Monica has been identified from records supplied by the American Bar Assn.

Comedy writer Mark Miller reports that rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg has canceled his first headlining tour: “No explanation was given, but insiders cite ongoing problems with fleas and mange.”

Comic Argus Hamilton has received a sneak preview of Sen. Ted Kennedy’s newest campaign speech: “Some men see a woman sitting on a bar stool at two o’clock in the morning on Good Friday and say, Why? I see the same thing and say, Why not? “

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 ways to tell the new show you’re watching won’t be a hit:

* Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet, hacking cough.

* You start thinking, “Maybe I’ll go listen to that new Roger Clinton CD.”

* Title contains the words The and Mommies .

* Actors frequently break character and scream, “Good Lord, does this suck!”

* The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underpants.

* It’s on Fox.

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Also in the news: While speaking to a university class, Nancy Reagan laughed while recalling the time her wrap-around skirt came loose and fell to her ankles as she entertained a White House guest. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says that she then angrily denied that the guest was Frank Sinatra.

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Denny’s announcement that it has increased the number of minorities in the restaurant chain’s management: “Now they have set an even loftier goal. By the year 2,000, they hope to have a waitress at your table.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the contractor who accidentally cut off power last week to the air traffic control center that serves Chicago’s O’Hare Airport: “He’s been reassigned and is back working at his old job with Amtrak.”

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A man finds a bottle, rubs it and a bedraggled old genie pops out. “Just one wish, fellow,” the genie admonishes. “I’m getting too old for this.”

The man pauses, then announces: “I want to wake up in bed next to three celebrity women.”

Poof , and the guy’s in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.

Next thing he knows, his penis is missing, his knee is throbbing and he’s got no health-care coverage.

--Jeanne Gorman, Escondido

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Richard Simon was trying to explain to his son Andrew, 4, what he should do if someone hits him. After telling Andrew that he should inform his preschool teacher if he was hit, Simon asked a question to make sure Andrew understood: “So, what do you do if someone hits you?”

Replied Andrew: “I fall down.”