LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Hooray for Hollywood: “The 67th Academy Awards were seen worldwide in more than 170 countries. Which means that by 10 minutes into the show, nearly 400 million people in at least 15 languages had uttered the phrase: ‘Wow, that opening number really sucked!’ ” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “Poor Martin Landau. They cut him off when the music started. Too bad that doesn’t work with the dance numbers.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “While the show proceeded smoothly overall, the producers did agree on one thing: Next year, bigger cue cards for Paul Newman.” (Bob Mills)

* “Stars wore different ribbons for different causes. That’s life in L.A. Red ribbons mean AIDS research, blue means racial healing, and yellow means ‘police line, do not cross.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

* “That dress the woman wore made of American Express cards? She shoulda left home without it.” (Cutler)

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Briefly: Hamilton, on Hillary Clinton urging Pakistan to educate its women: “Pakistani women had to laugh. They may not have Yale law degrees, but they know better than to leave a husband like Bill home alone for two weeks.”

Hamilton, on Chelsea accompanying her mom to South Asia: “It was the President’s idea. Every father wanted to send his daughter halfway around the world when he heard Mike Tyson was getting out of prison.”

Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on Tyson’s release: “The first thing he saw was the shadow of Don King’s hair, which means Mike will have at least 10 more years of getting ripped off.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the 52-year-old grandmother/prostitute entering the Mrs. Nevada pageant: “She is heavily favored to win the talent portion of the competition.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Court was cut short Monday when a juror had to attend a funeral. In a related incident, Kato Kaelin’s credibility was laid to rest.” (Tony Peyser)

* “After lodging with Nicole, O.J. and many others in his lifetime, it seems to me that Kato is the consummate hostel witness.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Kato was glad to be called a hostile witness. Previously he has been typecast as a naive, simple-minded house guest, and now he can go after some villain roles.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Kato admitted changing his testimony. And under grueling questioning from Marcia Clark, he also confessed to changing his conditioner.” (Peyser)

* “Kato turned into an expert witness Monday as he testified to ‘dim lights’ on O.J.’s Rockingham estate.” (Valerie Marz)

* “Some suggest Kato’s curiously dazed testimony means he’s trying to conceal something. I think he’s just katotonic.” (Bruce Bellingham)

* “Why did the nation’s house guest wear sneakers into the courtroom? He heard there might be a recess. “ (Alan Ray)

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Altadena reader Charlotte Tompkins overheard grandson Grady, 5, playing Power Rangers with his brother Corey, 2. “Let’s play Power Rangers,” Grady said. “I’ll be Jason because he’s the boss.”

Corey thought for a moment, then replied: “Then I’ll be Jason’s mommy!”