LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Chief Willie L. Williams’ claim that he had not received special treatment from a Vegas casino: “After his statement, Caesars Palace improved the odds of him keeping his job to 3-1.”

Jay Leno, on the Paperwork Reduction Act: “Clinton has done more to eliminate paperwork than almost any other President. He eliminated thousands of those Whitewater documents and his ‘70, ‘80, ’81 taxes.”

Perisho, on a statue of former Vice President Spiro Agnew being placed in the U.S. Senate: “It shows Agnew just as he appeared in 1973--erasing figures from his income tax forms.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Heidi Fleiss’ jail sentence: “With good behavior, she’ll be out in 18 months. With bad behavior, she’ll be out in three.”

Comic Jenny Church, on today’s first anniversary for Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley: “He arranged for a romantic bath. Lots of candles. Bubbles. But she ordered the chimp out of the tub.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the woman saved from collapsed lungs by mid-air surgery with a coat hanger: “Thanks to her frequent-flier program, 3,000 more miles and she’ll get a free appendectomy.”

Mills, on Fox revamping its prime-time schedule: “It features new shows, including ‘Ned and Stacey,’ ‘Space,’ and ‘America’s Funniest O.J. Defenses.’ ”

Premiere Radio, on the New York boy who filed a $22-million lawsuit after he was forced to wear a wig, bra and skirt, for talking in class: “He claims he was completely humiliated when two girls showed up wearing the same outfit.”

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On the fence: “The Secret Service said 20 people tried to jump the fence this year, but this was the first guy shot. The rest had to be dragged back into the White House to face their special prosecutors.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “A Secret Service spokesman insisted that only one shot was fired. He said a single bullet hit both the intruder and the officer. Oliver Stone’s beeper just went off.” (Hamilton)

Among Leland Modjeski’s excuses for jumping the fence at the White House, from comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* Couldn’t get his tank to start.

* It’s Amway’s newer, more aggressive approach.

* Despondent over heartless cancellation of “Blossom.”

* Thought whole militia was coming with him.

* Just trying to catch a plane.

And finally . . . “A shooting at the White House, Rodney King busted for drunk driving, Joey Buttafuoco charged with a sex crime: Well, it must be time for summer reruns.” (Bob Lacey)

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Palos Verdes Estates reader Don Mayer’s wife Sherry informed son Elliot it was his “half birthday,” because he was exactly 6 1/2 years old. When she noticed his excited look, and feared he might be anticipating a present, she told him half-birthdays aren’t celebrated in the same way as regular birthdays.

“Yeah, I know,” Elliot replied, “because we are Jewish.”