LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Capitol crime: A recent court decision clears the way for a new Three Stooges movie, says Kenny Noble. “Production will start as soon as the three principals wrap up their current roles with a federal budget deal.”

* White House spokesman Michael McCurry says some participants in the budget talks described the other side as “frank.” Jenny Church says that means the other guys are a bunch of weenies.

* Russ Myers says the federal budget impasse is jeopardizing Meals on Wheels programs. “In response, many states will be offering complimentary roller-blades to eligible shut-ins.”

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Also in the news . . . That 25-year-old woman in Utah who masqueraded as a 13-year-old boy has been sentenced to a year in jail. R. Alex Kaseberg says, “On the bright side, she has been invited to stay at Michael Jackson’s ranch when she gets out.”

Thomas Bratter says cartoonist Jim Davis is so thrilled at getting the old “Calvin and Hobbes” spot on The Times’ comics page that he’s planning to introduce a stuffed kid for Garfield to play with.

A health survey in England says women who have sex twice a week look years younger than their age. That’s terrific news, says Argus Hamilton. “Men are always looking for pickup lines with a grain of truth in them.”

Olympics officials have announced that a nationwide torch relay to Atlanta will start in Los Angeles. Says Jerry Perisho: “Let’s see, we’ll have guys running through the streets with flaming torches while screaming people stand by and watch. Just what L.A. needs--another sequel.”

Scientists say they’ve identified a gene that is responsible for normal behavior. Johnny Robish says that study has come under close scrutiny after it was discovered that all the research subjects were selected from the boardwalk at Venice Beach.

Venice peace activist Jerry Rubin is starting a liquids-only hunger strike to protest France’s recent nuclear tests. Tony Peyser says Rubin has vowed to drink nothing but heavy sauces.

Hospitals have created a new easy-disposal patient gown that dissolves when it gets wet and hot. Says Perisho, “That occurs either when hospital staff place it in a disposal unit or when the patient tries to check out and gets his bill.”

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The buzz: Killer bees are predicted to arrive in Los Angeles County this year:

* “Apparently, they’re just waiting until they can find the right agent.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Great, and we just got rid of all those blood-sucking insects from the Simpson trial.” (Steve Tatham)

* “The killer bees will be rounded up in a police sting.” (Paul Ecker)

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Reader Mark Winitsky says his friend Madeleine Nimoy, age 5, recently asked her mother, Nancy, why the head of her school was called a principal.

“Since she’s a woman, shouldn’t she be called a princess-ipal?”