Punch Lines

In the news: The Fox network plans to give free TV air time to the presidential candidates:

* “It won’t be a debate but a special two-hour episode of ‘The X-Files.’ ” (Tony Peyser)

* “Hey, if things don’t go well for Bob Dole, this will be his audition tape to replace Mr. Burns on ‘The Simpsons.’ ” (Joe Vogel)

Pat Buchanan told an Arizona crowd that the main reason he’s running is because somebody has to speak for the little guy. Says Argus Hamilton, “Ross Perot hates it when people bring up his height.”

Even though he’s a protectionist, Buchanan does favor importing a few items from overseas, says Paul Steinberg. “For instance, the Great Wall of China.”

President Clinton is making FEMA part of his Cabinet, saying it’s necessary because of all the recent disasters. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Like Cabinet Secretary Hazel O’Leary, Secretary Mike Espy, Secretary Ron Brown. . . .”

Louis Farrakhan wants a showdown with the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Says Hamilton, “Imagine Farrakhan versus Jesse Helms. This will be the first Senate hearing ever sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation.”

That $443-million satellite just drifted off into space after the tether linking it to the shuttle snapped. Says Bob Mills, “That’s the most expensive separation since Michael and Lisa Marie.”

Scary news from England: London newspapers are reporting that IRA terrorists have been trying to kill Queen Elizabeth. Says Hamilton, “They must be the ones who introduced Charles to Diana.”

A man who won $3 million in an Ohio lottery moved to Florida, where he won $20 million in that state’s lottery. Says Paul Ryan, “If he wants to come visit me, I’ll pay his air fare and spring for the lottery tickets.”

In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they think that preparing their income tax return is “easy” while 29% find it “difficult.” Says Vogel, “Not surprisingly, the same percentages find lying to be either ‘easy’ or ‘difficult.’ ”

The Los Angeles Kings are giving away ski trips as a door prize at home games. How appropriate, says Stephen Due: “If there’s one thing this bunch knows about, it’s going downhill fast.”

Top film and TV stars have joined with Mayor Richard Riordan to launch a Hollywood internship program for inner-city youths. Says Mills, “To introduce them to the business quickly, the candidates will be assigned agents who won’t return their calls.”

How Liz Taylor’s stock has dropped, says Paul Ecker. “She was worth a huge diamond ring to Richard Burton but only a cameo to CBS.”

*

Long Beach reader Julie Averill’s daughter, Rose, 8, asked her mom for a quarter so she could plant a money tree in the back yard. After hearing the bad news that this would not work out, she was quite forlorn. But five minutes later, she skipped happily out the door with half a glazed doughnut in her hand.

“Mom, I’m going to plant a doughnut tree instead!”