Punch Lines

In the news: Some 200 hours of Richard Nixon’s White House tapes will soon be released to the public. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Three surviving Watergate conspirators plan to add new vocals and guitar to Nixon’s original tracks.”

Two Atlantis astronauts went on a spacewalk. NASA said the purpose was endurance. Right, says Alan Ray, “The rest of the crew is driving them nuts.”

* Adds Paul Ecker, “In space, they collect dirt with flypaper. Here on Earth, we use reporters from ‘Hard Copy.’ ”

In Montana, the standoff continues between law enforcement officials and “freemen” militia types. Wonders Tony Peyser, “How come there’s never a black U.N. helicopter around when you need one?”

County-USC Medical Center is alleged to have let a scrub technician perform surgery. Says Ecker, “The question is, who’s doing the janitor’s work?”

As flood waters gush through the Grand Canyon for the first time in 30 years, observers are watching for things that have been forgotten for decades to be uncovered. Says Jerry Perisho, “So far they’ve found political ethics, quality medical care and job security.”

President Clinton is calling for nationwide testing of high school graduates to replace the only question they’re asked today, says Bob Mills: “Do you still have your locker key?”

When Kato Kaelin told Geraldo he thinks O.J. is guilty, his lawyer and publicist were at his side, says Argus Hamilton. “Under California law, if you do not have a publicist the court will provide one for you.”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner just endowed a chair at USC. Says Jenny Church, “Professors are blushing--that new chair is so well endowed.”

There’s a big controversy over whether cows should be given growth hormone. Says Paul Ryan, “Farmers like it because they can do the milking standing up.”

A cashier at the Capitol in Washington, D.C., was accused of sexual harassment for calling a congressional aide “Baby,” but kept her job:

* “Now she just calls her customers ‘Babe.’ ” (Joe Kevany)

* “She says she meant to call him ‘Baby Diaper,’ because those things and Congress are full of the same stuff.” (Gary Easley)

The National Rifle Assn. is trying to determine why its membership dropped by 400,000 in 1995. Suggests Russ Myers, “Maybe it was just a big year for gun accidents.”

Spring storms caused snakes to wash up on the beaches in San Diego. Says Hamilton, “They’re a little early. The GOP convention isn’t until August.”

*

Reader Judith Wolfert Chodos of Santa Monica says Mallory, 3, and her mother were talking about daddies.

“Mommy,” Mallory said, “everybody I know has a daddy. Do you have a daddy? Where is he?”

Her mother gently answered, “Do you remember when Cassie [their cocker spaniel] went to heaven?”

“Yes.”

“My daddy went to heaven too.”

“Oh,” said Mallory. And then, excitedly, “And now he has a dog!”