Punch Lines

Earth to Hillary . . . A new book tells how Hillary Clinton consulted with spiritual guru Jean Houston and held imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi:

* “Houston, we have a problem.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “It did no good. Neither Roosevelt nor Gandhi had any idea where the commodities market will be a year from now.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Of course she tried to converse with the dead. How else can she advise Bill on how to debate Bob Dole?” (R. Alex Kaseberg)

* “Now everybody thinks she’s flaky and weird. What a clever strategy to carry California.” (Hamilton)

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In the news: Civil rights groups say the area set up for protesters at the GOP convention puts them in a place where they can’t be seen or heard. Says Jimmy McConnell, “That’s funny. Dole has the same complaint about his campaign strategies.”

The space shuttle Columbia is looking for ways to prevent flabby muscles and lack of sleep among the crew. Says Jenny Church, “First, make the astronauts quit watching ESPN.”

A new book urges CEOs to learn from Jesus’ practices of forming a team and moving on an idea. Ted Turner swears by it. Says Hamilton, “The difference between Ted Turner and Jesus is, Jesus never thought he was Ted Turner.”

According to a car-industry survey, Cadillac has the most faithful customers. Says Stan Kaplan, “It’s whispered, however, that some of them keep cute little Miatas on the side.”

An advocacy group for the disabled says Jack Kevorkian is going too fast in his practice. Says Alan Ray, “He’s the opposite of other doctors. With most, you spend eternity before you see them.”

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The last musical condom joke (we promise): Asks Bill Williams, “If manufacturing rights for this gadget go to Sony, maker of the Walkman, what would they call it?”

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Cirque du O.J.: O.J. Simpson will hold a benefit at his house to raise funds to fight domestic violence:

* “OK, that gets the laugh. Now somebody throw me a straight line.” (Gary Easley)

* “Sure, why not? And Johnnie Cochran can teach a course on ethics.” (Kaseberg)

* “It’ll be a formal affair . . . strictly black glove.” (Elena Nelson Howe)

* “This is very important to him. If he doesn’t sell some Tupperware, he’s sunk.” (Hamilton)

* “Next, he’ll organize a celebrity golf tournament against really bad acting.” (Kaseberg)

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Reader Jerry Kahn of West Hills says his granddaughter Natalie, 4, was staying with him while her mother went to the store. Getting a bit anxious, Natalie finally asked him:

“Why is it that ‘in a little while’ is always such a long time?”