Punch Lines

In the news: Barbra Streisand has joined a lineup that includes the Eagles and the Neville Brothers to perform at a fund-raiser for President Clinton. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “The Dole campaign countered with a call to Abe Vigoda’s people.”

Columbo would have four questions for the crew in the Clinton White House, says Argus Hamilton: “What was in Vince Foster’s office? Who requested the FBI files? Where’s Paula Jones? Oh, and just one last question, Mr. President. Who hired Hillary?”

As the Republicans head for San Diego, various subgroups have been assigned meeting locations. Says Alan Ray, “The GOP women’s group has been assigned to the kitchen.”

Since the IRS announced plans to lay off 5,000 employees, says Bob Mills, “500,000 taxpayers have volunteered to deliver the pink slips personally.”

A wildfire raged in Northern California’s wine country. Says Ray, “Local vineyards are trying to put a positive spin on the situation. They’re saying next year’s vintage will be extremely dry.”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Gallo announced it will offer two versions of Chardonnay next year: regular and extra crispy.”

England’s Queen Mother turned 96 on Sunday. Says Ray, “In her time she’s seen war, depression, unemployment and bitter division. Family gatherings are always so much fun.”

Archeologists in Spain uncovered the skeleton of a bird believed to have lived 115 million years ago. Says Mills, “The bones were discovered in the bottom of an earthen bucket with the words ‘Colonel Sanders’ scratched on the side.”

Case Western Reserve University in Ohio rejected a woman’s application to medical school because she is blind. Asks Bill Williams, “Come on, let her be a doctor if she wants. What’s she going to do, amputate the wrong foot or something?”

Boxer Sugar Ray Leonard is considering a comeback at age 40. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Times have changed. He said he’ll now fight under the name NutraSweet Ray Olestra.”

Tom Cruise is suing a German magazine for $60 million over an article that questions his virility. Says Ferraro, “His lawyer says, ‘Just check out Tom’s credits: “Top Gun,” “Days of Thunder” and “The Firm.” ’ Case dismissed.”

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Dousing the flame: Joe Frazier complained that he, not Muhammad Ali, should have been asked to light the Olympic flame. Says The Cutler Daily Scoop, “Frazier must be in great shape to be able to carry a grudge for 25 years.”

Gold medalist Michael Johnson ran so fast that scientists had to create a new category for him, says Pearlstein. “They say he was moving at the ‘speed of endorsements.’ ”

Justin Huish of Simi Valley won the gold for archery, but Paul Ecker says “He ruined any chance of a career in politics by shooting straight.”

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Reader Lyn Yeomans of Whittier casually mentioned to her husband that she hoped one day she’d be a great-grandma. Granddaughter Dinah, 5, looked up in wonder and said:

“You are!”