We Guys Would Rather Drop Than Shop
Friday the 13th might not have been the best of days to do some Christmas shopping, but at least I got an early start.
It was just past midnight. There I was, channel changer in hand, a modern American male zapping from Letterman to Leno, from Nightline to Nick At Night, from ESPN to A&E.; . . .
Cable is a beautiful thing. I was seeking either the History Channel or Comedy Central when my right thumb failed me.
Suddenly, a perky woman appeared on the screen. Then there was a teddy bear, only this one was called a “Charlie” bear. It was the Home Shopping Network, and so I shuddered. But before I could push the button, the perky woman was showing off these little collectible Hummel ceramic figurines. The synapses started to fire away:
Oh, yeah, Hummels. My sister likes those things. A Hummel for Christmas? What the--179 bucks for that?!? Wait. Did I forget Linda’s birthday this year? Can’t remember if I forgot.
Ugly thing, guilt. Spend more, feel less. But 179 bucks? Am I that guilty? . . . What’s this? A 25% discount! Act now and save over 40 bucks!
The 800 number was there on the screen, but temptation was resisted. I found the power to make the screen go blank and then I went to bed. It was the right decision, but it does mean I’ll have to spend more time in the mall.
I hate to shop. It’s a guy thing, you know, this supposed lack of the “shopping gene.” We guys are famous for it. Call it sexist, but the anecdotal evidence is overwhelming.
Rare is the woman who doesn’t look forward to the Galleria. Rare is the man who does. Women will take their sweet time, going from store to store. Men get in and get out. (OK, so I do know a few men who seem to enjoy shopping, but I try not to be judgmental.)
When we normal guys do shop, it is largely from a sense of obligation--to please a sweetheart, wife or child. We go because a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do--and as you read these words, I’ve got nine more days to do what I’ve got to do.
So one of these mornings, I will rise and summon my nerve. “Today is a good day to shop,” I will declare, the same way Crazy Horse would say, “Today is a good day to die.”
Yet still I’m left to wonder why there is such a difference between women and men. Is it one of those men-are-from-Mars, women-are-from-Venus things?
Hard research seems to be lacking, but there’s plenty of educated guesses, from both psychologists and comedians. It seems to be the classic matter of nature versus nurture--or, rather, nature and nurture.
Why not both?
Myself, I like the theory that our primitive ways are embedded deep in our DNA. The women at Galleria are mimicking the cave women who moseyed around deciding which fruits were ripe and which needed another day on the vine. Men were out there hunting for food and clothing that moved, sometimes very fast. They killed whatever they could.
A comedian named Ritch Shydner once put it this way: “Guys just don’t have the patience. We’ve got some sort of prehistoric thing. We just want to bag it and drag it back to the cave as quickly as possible.”
Makes me want to grunt in agreement.
Shydner further noted that, in actuality, men don’t mind shopping for items that might be considered “big game.”
“Look at men at car shows, boat shows and gun shows, you’ll see guys looking at stuff all day and going, ‘Look at this gun! I can put it on my boat! I can fish and hunt at the same time!’ ”
We guys also love sporting goods. But then, what are sports but a more civilized form of the tribal and individual conflicts of yore? Think of the popularity of golf and all its implements. Once upon a time we roamed the landscape hunting small game with clubs and rocks. Now we hunt birdies with clubs and balls that are hard as rock.
But back to shopping. Nature may influence nurturing. Barbie shops. G.I. Joe kills.
In a 1991 interview, psychologist David Stewart said: “In most societies, and it’s true of ours today, a man’s role is to be the breadwinner. Women have historically been the shoppers. It goes back generations, and shopping is a skill women are taught in very early childhood, while men are carried along as excess baggage.”
A Santa Barbara psychotherapist suggested many men dislike shopping for personal items because of negative childhood experiences.
“When [men] are taken shopping by their mothers, they feel like their power is being taken away,” Daphne Rose Kingma explained. “Clothing is an expression of a child’s identity, and if all the choices are the mother’s, then when he grows up, he might say, ‘I’m never going to submit to an experience like that again.’ ”
That leaves me sitting here, trying to recall traumatic shopping experiences.
I can’t remember any.
Then again, that may only mean that the incidents were so horrible that I’ve suppressed them entirely.
Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth, Calif. 91311. Please include a phone number.
When we normal guys do shop, it is largely from a sense of obligation--to please a sweetheart, wife or child. We go because a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
