‘97 May Be Year Beyond Belief

Just a few of the things that are going to happen in 1997, courtesy of our Psychic Sports Network:

--”Kubby” Bryant, cousin of Kobe, will sign with the Lakers, out of the eighth grade.

--Super Bowl XXXI: Denver Broncos versus Minnesota Vikings. Nobody wins.

--School kids launch new anti-drug program, advising Dallas Cowboys to say no to drugs when they grow up.

--Magic Johnson un-retires. (January.) Retires. (February.) Un-retires. (March.) Retires. (April.)

--Wayne Gretzky will aim, fire . . . and a 12-year-old New York boy will reach out and steal the puck.

--Jim Abbott will go 20-1.

--L.A. Mayor Riordan will issue his pro football proclamation: “21st century, latest.”

--NBC will televise the World Series “plausibly live.”

--The Lakers will sign Michael Jordan for $120,000,000.01.

--Ten more UCLA athletes will change their names to Kareem or Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

--Notre Dame will drop USC from its football schedule. Too tough.

--Carl Lewis says OK to Sydney 2000, but after that, only three or four more Olympics for him, tops.

--Art Modell will buy Orioles, move them to Ohio.

--Jacksonville, Fla., appoints a new mayor: The honorable Morton Andersen. No reason given.

--New “Michael Jordan” fragrance is worn by Cher, Liz, Di.

--New “Charles Barkley” fragrance is introduced with ad campaign: “Use it, or I’ll spray YOU.”

--Reebok counters with Shaq-nel No. 5.

--Washington Redskins change their name to Bullets.

--In “Rocky VI,” Sylvester Stallone fights Andrew Golota. Catch phrase “Yo!” changes to “Yow!”

--Tiger Woods quits golf, takes up baseball.

--Colorado Rockies construct domed stadium, team batting average falls to .209.

--Atlanta Braves love Time, hate Warner.

--Chris Berman of ESPN becomes the first man to break through remote-control’s “mute” barrier.

--Cigar issues a two-word statement: “I’m back.”

--Albert Belle will fight Roberto Alomar in a brawl. Nobody will stop it.

--Fans of a new NHL expansion franchise, the Florida Rats, will throw plastic panthers onto the ice.

--Navratilova and Hingis launch a new Colorado tennis tournament: Double Martina on the Rocks.

--Andre Agassi leaves Brooke Shields. Grounds: Mental cruelty. Forced him to watch “Suddenly Susan.”

--”Li’l Penny” found dead, in Shaquille O’Neal’s fireplace.

--Pro-am pairing: Jeremy Irons, Tiger Woods.

--Indianapolis 500 to announce a new entry format, for “anybody over 15 with a license or permit.”

--An unruly U.S. soccer crowd will riot, made up of 100,000 soccer moms.

--Chan Ho Park rips up all Dodger teammates’ clothing in spring training. No reason given.

--Dodger Manager Bill Russell’s weight balloons to 300 pounds, blames late-night lasagna.

--Tony Gwynn breaks an arm, wrist, both thumbs, hits only .301.

--The National League pennant will be won by the Montreal Expos, with a payroll of $9,000.

--Andruw Jones of the Atlanta Braves, sick of people spelling his name wrong, will change it to Andruw Smith.

--New York Jets go 15-1, move to New York.

--Raiders move to Iraq, offer “missile exchange” program.

--Houston Astrodome’s roof falls during Oilers’ NFL game. No one killed. No one hurt. No one there.

--Joe Frazier to light Goodwill Games torch.

--Shaquille O’Neal leads Lakers in Game 7 victory over Michael Jordan and Chicago Bulls, 199-198, quintuple overtime, despite Dennis Rodman’s 50 rebounds and two points.

--”Kazaam” grants three wishes: 1. No cassette. 2. No cable. 3. No sequel.