Punch Lines

The Literary World: “The planned media blitz for the new biography ‘Ovitz’ includes a billboard in Studio City,” says Jenny Church. “The big ‘Ovitz’ sign will be in place for one year. Then the publisher will pay $90 million for its removal.”

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In the News: “Did you all vote in the L.A. mayor’s race?” asks Jay Leno. “Did you know there was a mayor’s race? Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.”

* “The absentee voters were staying away from mailboxes in droves.” (Bob Mills)

* “Riordan’s swearing-in may be delayed. Bob Dornan has demanded a recount.” (Mills)

* Erroneous ballots were sent to at least six polling sites. “Only in Tinseltown would an election ballot need a rewrite.” (Church)

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Americana: Census figures find that one in 10 Americans was born in another country. “This country was built on immigration,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Well, actually, it was built on Indian lands, thanks to immigration.”

The IRS has fired 23 employees for snooping through tax records. “They were immediately hired by the National Enquirer,” says Paul Ecker.

* “Big deal. The fired employees just liked to read fiction.” (Stan Kaplan)

The networks refused to let Ross Perot buy 30 minutes of prime time to discuss Democrats’ and Republicans’ campaign finances. “To secure the time, Perot is thinking of calling his show a sitcom and naming it ‘Men Behaving Irrationally.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

* Fox denied trying to keep Perot off the air. “They insist they had produced an hourlong program featuring Perot, but that episode of ‘The X-Files’ never aired.” (Olympia Daily World)

A court has upheld the California law banning affirmative action. “People will no longer be given special treatment because of their race or sex,” says the Scoop. “Of course, Californians will still be given special treatment because of their car, hairstyle, fashion sense and position in the entertainment industry.”

Hilton Hotels will build Paris Las Vegas--an Eiffel Tower replica, 3,000-room hotel and casino. “It is very authentic,” says Alex Kaseberg. “The only act is Jerry Lewis, the dealers ignore you and there is no soap.”

“There has been another achievement in cloning,” says Leno. “Last year’s New York Mets have become this year’s Chicago Cubs.”

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Readers Jan and Sally Nylander say their 3-year-old granddaughter, Marissa, became jealous when her older sister entered kindergarten this year. They tried to console her by telling Marissa how much she would learn in preschool. After her first day, they asked her what she had learned. She replied:

“My teacher said I can’t eat someone else’s lunch.”