Hel-LO-oh, Let’s Find Closure on Faux Phrases

Call it debris-speak--language that is built from popular cliches, sentence fragments and buzzwords. To me, it might as well be grunting. What this country needs is a lingo czar, someone to get debris-speak under control. Someone to make sure we all have a nice language day.

Oh, come on, you say, what could a lingo czar do? Well, here are some “corrections” the czar might make on the first day in office--provided, of course, the czar was . . . me. (Don’t worry, I’d never pass Senate confirmation. I inhaled.)

Attention: Citizens are advised against using the following cliches, phrases and buzzwords, which are infecting and muddling clear and dignified communication. They are rated T (trite), A (asinine), P (pretentious) and CP (criminally prosecutable):

1. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist [to figure that out].” This was witty at one time--the first time it was uttered. Now that it is used ad nauseam by sports commentators and TV anchors, well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this phrase has worn out its welcome. (T)

2. “Find closure.” This is a psychobabble term that therapists propagated. It means “finish,” “end” or “put it behind you.” It implies profound resolution, possibly cosmic--as if the simple act of finishing is fraught with mysticism and healing. In response to an insipid question from a TV reporter about “finding closure” in the second O. J. verdict, Fred Goldman--to his endless credit--said there is no “closure” to the murder of one’s child. (CP)

3. “Who knew?” This oddity is now being freely blurted by publicists, TV entertainment reporters and just about anyone who feels that he or she really belongs in front of a camera. It is abrasive, meaningless and sounds like a bird call. If something is a surprise, well, no one knew. (CP)

4. “Do the math.” This has now come to mean “figure it out” for any given topic, whether or not math is actually involved. The czar, who dislikes doing math anyway, advises the lawyers who probably first popularized this expression, to revert to “figure it out,” or just shut up altogether. (A)

5. “I’m not going to go there.” This is used in conversation to indicate fear of pursuing a particular point or tangent. It attaches an unfortunate New Age aura to something very ordinary. (A)

6. “Faux.” This is a perfectly nice word in France, meaning, roughly, “fake” or “pseudo.” We are not in France--a country, incidentally, that knows how to take care of its language. Just say “fake.” (P)

7. “Make a difference.” This is an expression that has been traditionally used by Miss America contestants answering questions about what they wish to contribute to society. “I want to make a difference,” they chirp. Now, everyone is using it, from the nice person questioned by a TV news reporter during an AIDS walk to President Clinton. The czar feels it is too vague. Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer made a difference. (T)

8. “That said . . . “ The streamlined version of the equally odious “having said that,” this phrase is running amok in pompous public speakers. It should be used to indicate that the speaker is about to qualify a prior statement, but almost never is. It’s unnecessary. That said? We know you’ve already said that. That said . . . (A, P)

9. “There you go.” An utterly brainless rejoinder, usually declared when you have nothing to say in response to a given remark. When confronted by this featherweight non sequitur, the czar enjoys asking, “Where? Where did I go?” (A)

10. “Reinvent oneself.” Every time a rock star changes his clothes/hair/name, a politician adopts a new attitude, an actor changes roles, they are said to have “reinvented” themselves. Prince is the obvious case. Richard Nixon, ever attempting to be “The New Nixon,” was the father of “reinvention.” (He never fooled me.) Not only does this term contradict the eternal wisdom of that cliche about the leopard and his spots, but it is inaccurate. As far as the czar knows, we didn’t invent ourselves in the first place. Someone Else did. (A)

11. “Edgy.” The dictionary definition of this word is “nervous” or “on edge.” “Edgy”--disseminated chiefly by rock music critics--is now an adjectival diminutive of another cliche, “the cutting edge,” meaning something that is at the fore of invention. New use of “edgy” makes the czar edgy, in the old sense. (A)

12. “Wake-up call.” Everything is a wake-up call now. Every alarming statistic about disease or pollution, every incident in which someone is unexpectedly bothered or injured. News anchors and politicians thrive on it. The czar urges everyone to go back to sleep. (CP)

13. “Comfort zone.” The most obnoxious yuppie term since “quality time.” Part of the compartmentalization (and trivialization) of normal aspects of life. Leave yourself a comfort zone, you hear oh-so-frenetic, important people advise each other. It’s taken “breathing room” and made it sound new and trendy. (CP)

14. “Follow your dream.” Will all those actors/directors/singers/dancers/beauty contestants who, every time they accept an Academy/Grammy/Emmy/Image Award please, please stop saying this? Some people shouldn’t “follow their dreams.” Some people should become fine plumbers and house painters, not film directors. If the czar followed his dreams, he’d be a broke, mediocre musician. Besides, what happened to the word “ambition”? (T, A)

15. “Hello” (delivered in three syllables, as “Hel-LO-oh”). This indispensable greeting has been perverted into a bitchy exclamation, usually to impart a feeling that someone is being dumb. “You signed your check 1996? Hel-LO-oh.” The czar urges a farewell to “Hel-LO-oh.” (T, A)

16. “Yes!” Thanks largely to sportscaster Marv Albert, who has confused this declaration with actually describing action in a basketball game, this bulwark of language has been rendered an annoyance. Myriad films feature avaricious children or adults getting something they want, and then declaring “Yes!” With exclamation point, the word connotes selfishness and pettiness. Just say “no” to “yes!” (T, CP).

17. “Cyber anything.” Cybersex, cyberspace, cyberpunk, cyberthink, cybermart, cyberdoughnut. The czar is cyber-tired and advises those prone to cyber-hyphenation to remember that the word “cyber” was invented by a scientist named Norbert Wiener, and that its original meaning--something like “to pilot”--has nothing to do with its current usage. Maybe now you won’t feel so clever by cyber-fying everything. (cyber-T, cyber-A, cyber-P)

18. “Dog and pony show.” This old saw is often used by politicians and commentators to describe something marked by artifice and frivolity. Sadly, all have forgotten the phrase’s origins in certain Third World countries, where seedy bars feature shows with dogs, ponies--and, ahem, women. Use of this phrase is particularly regrettable in the case of feminist attorney Gloria Allred, who employs it on her radio show. (T)

19. “I could care less.” Will someone please create billboards and commercials to eradicate this eternal abomination? I could care less means . . . you care. It’s “I couldn’t care less.” Couldn’t! Couldn’t! Couldn’t! (CP!)

Oh, what do I mean by “CP?” Well, how about imposing a daylong vow of silence? Think of how nice and quiet everything would be. Have a nice language day.