Rats, and We Were Feeling So Optimistic

Orange County residents tell UC Irvine pollsters they’ve seldom had it so good. Nine out of 10 people in the fall survey described life in the county in positive terms, the highest satisfaction level in the 17 years the survey has been conducted. Many respondents expressed a desire to kiss or hug the pollsters and play Frisbee with them.

Is this the ultimate definition of blissful ignorance?

Or, will future historians heap praise on us for being so brave and cheerful in what proved to be the final days in our idyllic paradise?

What’s that? You hadn’t heard the end was nigh?

Perhaps you’ve been spending too much time on the Internet. Perhaps you hadn’t noticed your Orange County world is under siege from soulless, maniacal carnivores who would just as soon bite you as look at you.

And, no, I’m not talking about county government.

As a public service, allow me to recap:

* Tuesday’s papers told us that fire ants are on the march. They may be heading for a pant leg near you. And those suckers sting. One hundred mounds have been found in Southern California, and five national experts are touring Orange County this week to see if we have any chance whatsoever of warding them off. We’ll keep you posted, but don’t get your hopes up.

* Before that, health officials already had been patrolling Orange County after finding dead medflies. A quarantine zone is in effect in some parts of South County.

* Before that, an unidentified rat carrying bubonic plague was found in Orange. Rats get the plague from fleas, but health officials last week were quick to say no human illnesses have been reported and warned against panic. That worked, until someone had to go and remind us that bubonic plague wiped out one-fourth of Europe in the 14th century.

I’m not advising panic, just level-headed fear. More to the point, this would be an excellent time to quietly collect your things and prepare for the end with dignity. I’d suggest curling up under the covers with some hot cocoa and, when you hear the rattling against the outside of your house, begin humming softly to yourself.

Ants? Medflies? Rats? Fleas?

What is this, ancient Sumer?

It almost makes you long for the good old days of killer bees from South America and grasshoppers from Texas.

This is 20th century Southern California, where the only deadly thing is the excessive indulgence in pleasure. People here die in hot tubs, not from ants.

Call me a bad sport, but how can we portray our coastal sanctuary as heaven on earth when thousands of residents are eaten to death by marauding bugs? I don’t care how the chamber of commerce spins it, pestilence has got to hurt tourism.

Not that it matters now, but I’ve been kind of a Paul Revere on this issue. Around my place, I’ve charted in recent years the steady increase of bugs of all kinds, including a mud dauber by the washing machine and the armada of daddy longlegs that encamped long ago.

My complaints drew nothing but guffaws and the occasional, “You sissy!”

Who’s laughing now?

The answer to that is, no one.

The people who conduct the UCI annual survey are honorable professionals. Their intention is to capture Orange County’s thinking as accurately as possible.

Were they too squeamish, however, to ask the key question:

“As you know, the county of Orange is being overrun by a horde of unsightly insects and rodents that may render our food supply inedible or, failing that, sting or poison you to death in the very near future. If that were to happen, how would that make you feel about the quality of life here?”

Now, if 90% of Orange Countians still say they’re happy with life here, then we can truly say we live in a golden age.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com