EL NINO POSTE MORTYM: HVY TRAFFICK OUTOF MALIBUE

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV*

*

ITZA KURIUS ELLAYE RITUAL.

*

EVRY YEAR, REPRTRS FLOC 2MALIBU

2HEAR ONE DTRMEND HOMONER

VOW, “WEARE NTGVGUP!

WEWILL NVRGVUP! WESTAY

TLTHEND UV TIME!”

*

COVERRD WITH MUDDD,

RDY4MOR, THEEZ PEEPL SUDNLY

BECOME WNSTN CHRCHL:

“NOSRNDR! ABSLTLI NEVAR!”

*

MRNMRS MALBUU, MEBBE

UOTT2 RETHINK DIS1.

*

ROKSLYD. WLDFYR. PHLUDDE.

ANOTHER BCHHOUZ FALLS

N2ZSEA. 1BIGG APAULNG DISASTR

AFTER ANUDR1. YRROUND.

ENDLSLY. PRHAPS ITZ ALITTL

COMNC8N FROM MTHRNTR.

YAKNO, SMTHING LYKE: BEATITT!

GOAWAAY! GTLOST, YABUGME!

*

ITZTIME 2MOVEON. EN MASSE.

EVRY1. THISS WILL SAVEUS ALL

ALOTA TRUUUBL UND XPENCE.

GOTIT? FROM NOWON:

“MALIBUU: OFFLMTZ 2HUMANS.

KELP EATERS ONLEE.”

*

UNFAIR? PROBLY. BUT LISSN.

SUMDAAY, ALLA OURERTH WILB

OFFLMTS 2HUMAN

LYF. THE SUN SHALL DI ANNDD

RLEST8 VALUEZ WIL DROPOFF

BIALOT. UCANT FITEIT.

*

NATURR IZBOSS1.

*For translation of PL8SPK, please see Page 36.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

El Nino Post-mortem: Heavy Traffic Out of Malibu

It’s a curious L.A. ritual.

Every year, reporters flock to Malibu to hear one determined homeowner vow, “We are not giving up! We will never give up! We stay til the end of time!”

Covered with mud, ready for more, these people suddenly become Winston Churchill: “No surrender! Absolutely never!”

Mr. and Mrs. Malibu, maybe you ought to rethink this one.

Rockslide. Wildfire. Flood. Another beach house falls into the sea. One big appalling disaster after another one. Year-round. Endlessly. Perhaps it’s a little communication from Mother Nature. You know, something like: Beat it! Go away! Get lost, you bug me!

It’s time to move on. En masse. Every one. This will save us all a lot of trouble and expense. Got it? From now on: “Malibu: Off limits to humans. Kelp eaters only.”

Unfair? Probably. But listen: Someday, all our earth will be off limits to human life. The sun shall die and real estate values will drop off by a lot. You can’t fight it.

Nature is Boss One.