LAUGH LINES

Keep Out: “It seems that a lot of New York country clubs around the Clintons’ new home say that they would probably not want President Clinton as a member. They gave two reasons: They said security would be disrupted, and also, they don’t know where his putter has been.” (Jay Leno)

Survive This: “CBS is so excited about the success of ‘Survivor’ that they have a brand new program planned for the fall. A group of people try to survive for a day in Central Park.” (David Letterman)

Name the Price: “Bob Barker [of ‘The Price Is Right’] urged a House committee to ban circus elephants. He got a standing ovation when he correctly guessed it would take a $500,000 contribution to get this measure enacted into law.” (Argus Hamilton)

Turn Up the Charm: “[Al Gore advisors] announced he’s launched a new phase in his campaign where he’ll try to connect with [Americans] by showing his more ‘human side.’ So I guess he finally got that emotion chip.” (Andrew Wisot)

New York Fever: “In a desperate attempt to gain popularity with New Yorkers, Hillary told herself to go to hell and gave herself the finger.” (Craig Kilborn)

Reality Bites: “Al Gore got quite a shock on the campaign trail the other day. You know they are using this trick where they go and stay in different people’s houses as Gore travels around to meet average Americans. He was staying overnight . . . with a poor family who was living in substandard housing--it turns out they were his tenants.” (Leno)

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