The Sharpies Say He’ll Take a Stab at This Bet
I was under orders the other day to buy a cake knife for the wedding, although we have a kitchen drawer full of some really nice knives. I was also told to have the names of the bride and groom engraved on it.
It cost almost $100, which isn’t surprising when you consider they charged by the letter to do the engraving, and there are 18 letters in “Grocery Store Bagger.”
It was hard to tell if the wife was only kidding when she reached for the kitchen drawer full of knives after I had shown her the “Grocery Store Bagger’s” engraved name instead of the kid’s real name, and I told her I would have had them engrave his real name if only I could have remembered it.
The wife, meanwhile, bought a crystal Cinderella and Prince Charming cake topper for $145, and while I’d have preferred Snow White and Dopey, right now I wish the daughter would’ve made a play for Carson Palmer a few years back and made me a proud USC father-in-law.
The wife also bought a pair of $45 engraved crystal flutes, and I can’t wait to see the look on Dopey’s face when he thinks that’s what he’s got to drink his beer out of all night. Throw in a $60 pillow for the rings to rest on, and now would be a great time for anyone to speak up with a reason, any reason will do, why these two shouldn’t be married.
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I BELIEVE Bob Baffert is the key to paying for this wedding if it must go on.
Here’s the deal: There’s this big-shot horse owner from the East, Daniel Borislow, who reportedly plays $30,000 a hand in pai gow poker and by his own admission bet “northward of $100,000 on the Kentucky Derby,” coming to Hollywood Park next Saturday intent on running his horse, Toccet, and betting a bundle on him.
This guy retired as a millionaire, and bets so much money on horses they close down the third floor at Philadelphia Park only for his use. “I bet I’m the biggest horse bettor in the game,” he said.
Last week he took out an ad in the Daily Racing Form and offered to put up $200,000 with the chance to win only $100,000 if his horse beat Vindication in the Hollywood Futurity. “Knowing the owner of Vindication he’d probably want to go $2 million for $1 million,” Borislow said. “I’m good for that too.”
Vindication, trained by Baffert, is on vacation after winning all four of his races, including the Breeders’ Cup Juvenile, in which Borislow’s horse finished ninth.
Baffert also trains Kafwain, who finished second to Vindication in the Breeders’ Cup, and the West Coast bettors will make him the favorite in the Futurity.
“You know Borislow is going to want his horse to be the favorite,” Baffert said, which means Borislow will have to pay a king’s ransom to impact the Hollywood Park tote board -- which puts more money in the pool for me to win when Toccet loses and Baffert does his thing.
“So we’re talking wedding by the ocean in San Diego or the In & Out Burger truck pulling up to the house for the reception,” Baffert said. “I don’t know, Toccet is a good horse and he’ll have a nice little jockey riding him.”
I’d feel better if it were a nice big jockey riding him or, at the very least, if Baffert knew enough about racing to realize there are only little jockeys.
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NOW I haven’t had much luck with Baffert in the past. I asked trainer Bobby Frankel once for a winner, he gave me one and it won. The problem with Frankel is, he swears a lot, is very grumpy and spends most of his time on the East Coast, which explains why he swears a lot, and is very grumpy.
We’re stuck with Baffert as our resident whiz, who acts as if he knows less about horse racing than Phil Jackson knows about coaching basketball.
“Do you know how much an engraved cake knife costs?” I asked.
“Don’t worry,” he said, his horse will not only beat Toccet, but another potential contender in Ghostzapper, trained by Frankel.
That was encouraging until Baffert excused himself to saddle Composure in the Hollywood Starlet on Saturday. Composure went off as the 1-5 favorite and finished second to some 30-1 pig; if this was a dress rehearsal to take care of the wedding bill, the daughter’s going to be wearing the best dress Purple Heart has to offer.
“Why don’t you buy a $5,000 horse, enter him in a stakes race, which gets you use of the Director’s Room for 50 people, have the wedding, scratch the horse and you’ll really make out,” said Baffert, and I’m beginning to think he just might be a better wedding planner than trainer.
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BOB & JILL Baffert were married earlier this year, and knowing the expense involved, he’s pledged to do his best to set up Borislow for the wedding kill.
I’d feel a lot better about this if I hadn’t made a practice wager Saturday on Baffert’s Oneexcessivenite, who finished eighth in a nine-horse field in the seventh. It gave me an idea though.
Come race day, if everyone thinks it’s going to be a match race between Toccet and Kafwain, I can take all the deposit money that’s been saved for a wedding dress, reception hall and Cinderella junk, and put it on Frankel’s horse.
It’s a gamble. I lose, and I’ll have to take back the crystal flutes, but I’ve got a feeling the Bagger would prefer his own dirty beer mug anyway. I know this, if I lose, I’m definitely taking back the knife before the wife makes a point of telling me what she thinks.
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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Franklin M.:
“What do you have to say about Carson Palmer now?”
No thanks are necessary for pushing him to such heights.
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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com