You Really Like Me ...

News item: The Supreme People’s Assembly of North Korea today reelected the “Dear Leader,” Kim Jong Il, to his most important post, chairman of the National Defense Commission, by a vote of 687 to 0.

What follows is his acceptance speech:

As your Dear Leader, I humbly accept the will of the people and accept the election results. If I had had an opponent, I’m sure that person would have waged a tough, disciplined and honest campaign, avoiding the use of negative personal ads on our nation’s 47 television sets. So let me ask you all to applaud him/her. Some of our enemies, such as Al Franken and Kofi Annan and Santa, will tell you that this election was a power grab, an undemocratic attempt to control the government. Well, hello -- I already was the government!

I’m not one to make rash promises, just to grab some headlines (I’ve learned my lesson from 1995’s “one square meal a week” boondoggle), but I will promise you this: I will dedicate myself, 6/4, to ensuring that every North Korean citizen remains just that.

And let’s not forget what your Dear Leader -- that’s me -- has already accomplished on your behalf: no tax increases on income, for those who have any. Job done. No blackouts in those three square blocks of Pyongyang that have access to electricity. Job done. A 63% increase in unprovoked attacks and threats against everyone else in the world and the elimination of Tuesdays. Job done. And to the millions who are seeking to immigrate illegally into our country, I have but one thing to say to you: Not bloody likely.