‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Episode 3, ‘If I saw you in a bar, I would not approach you’

Nothing says Memorial Day quite like an episode of “The Bachelorette.” We hope you guys at least enjoyed some grilling and had a few beers before sitting down for this one.

Typically the dates on “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” are somewhat extreme (or at least extravagant). So far this season the producers have missed the mark with a trip to a West Virginia “resort,” a tame cookie-baking session and acting classes with The Muppets. We were hopeful that the previews for this episode included a helicopter, helmets, ropes and crying.

The Most Boring Extreme Date

Sarah: Emily and Chris (“Bobble Head”) scaled the side of a five-story building. I’m pretty sure my mom could scale it with less complaining. Towards the end of the climb, there were some thunder and lightning, but then they ate dinner on the roof with no issues. Did the producers fake the weather threat for drama?

Chris: Why is her one year age difference with Chris such an issue? Did she forget she had a kid at 18? Chris’ close-set, borderline crossed eyes must have won her over in the end. She gave him the rose and then surprised him with another country music concert.

Group Interrogation Date

Sarah: Emily brings Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis to a park under the pretenses of playing football. Then she pulls back the curtain and reveals an afternoon of interrogation courtesy of her pre-menopausal soccer mom friends. The biggest highlight was their faces when they met Travis (“Ostrich Egg”)— he was carrying the egg with him. And he named it Shelly. After the inquisition, Emily brings out a group of screaming kids to see “how the guys are with kids” on the playground. This sent Tony (“Woody”) into a meltdown of missing his son (or just an attempt to pull Emily’s heartstrings). She ended up sending him home before the end of the date so he didn’t waste any more time away from his son, and gave Sean the rose instead (for his biceps).

Chris: I like how Emily assumes that whatever guy she chooses will instantly bond with her friends. Most guys feel that hanging out with their significant other’s friends is like taking a dump in a public restroom— very uncomfortable and a lot of hard work, but you’re rewarded in the end. In this case, the reward is Emily. A better kid test would be to have one of them vomit on themselves and then see how many guys leave the show immediately.

Emily and Arie Do Dollywood

Sarah: After riding a roller coaster with giant bald eagles, Emily and Arie tried writing a love song. Thankfully, Dolly Parton interrupted their horrid attempt. She is from another planet and overshadowed all the boring moments in this date.

Chris: I’m still not convinced that was actually Dolly Parton. She looked about as life like as the dancing bears atChuck E. Cheese.

Emily Means Business

Sarah: The cocktail hour before the rose ceremony was full of serious foot-in-mouth issues. Emily asked Allesandro how he felt about being a dad and he said that he saw Emily and Ricki as a compromise in his life. She gave him the boot before the ceremony even started. When Emily interrupted Kalon mid-sentence, he said “while I love hearing you talk, I would love for you to let me finish.” Unfortunately, she kept him.

Chris: To prove that he’s ready to focus on Emily, Travis allows Emily to smash his first love, Shelly, on the sidewalk (it was actually a real egg). Emily gave Stevie (“Jersey Shore”) the boot at the rose ceremony. Maybe because he wouldn’t be a good father figure? Dads don’t dance like they’re at Karma in Seaside Heights.

The Remaining Men

Arie, 30 “Speed Race”

Charlie, 32 “Meat Face

Chris, 25 “Bobble Head”

Doug, 33 “Single Dad Doug”

Jef, 27 “Jerry Lee Lewis”

Kalon, 27 “Helicopter Guy”

Nate, 25 “Axe Body Spray”

Ryan, 31 “Fluff Head”

Travis, 30 “Ostrich Egg”

Sean, 28 “Biceps”

It’s not a good sign that we still don’t know anything about these guys:

Alejandro, 24

John, 30

Michael, 26