Men are suffering at the cineplex this awards season like never before. And we're suffering along with them because we have to watch. Sleeping inside horse carcasses and getting mauled by bears, like Hugh Glass (
One of the great pleasures of seeing a film on a big screen is getting all the huge close-ups of appealing movie stars. So "The Revenant," starring the fetching trifecta of DiCaprio,
To follow, a view of some of the egregious offenders this season, along with examples of films that dealt with similar subject matter in a much prettier fashion. Because we just want to do our part to objectify everyone equally.
Some critics are calling "The Revenant" a beautiful film. Beautiful, no. Dirty, bloody and hirsute, yes.
You want beauty? Try the Oscar-winning "Dances With Wolves" (1990).
"The Hateful Eight"
Why did Quentin Tarantino need to film this in 70mm? To give Kurt Russell's mustache an 80-foot wingspan? (Although to be fair, we must give credit for the equal opportunity grunginess heaped on Jennifer Jason Leigh.)
Take a cue from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969), for they led a gang of no-account roughnecks through a changing frontier, yet acquitted themselves handsomely the entire time. Ask yourself: Could your leading men attract Katharine Ross? No? Then give them all a bath.
Matt Damon manages to shave his nasty beard off before escaping the Red Planet. You know why? Because he knows people are going to see him and he wants to look his best. Well guess what, people had to see him for the previous two hours too.
"The Big Short"
This hilarious, upsetting movie chronicles the bank scandal of 2008. So why did so many of its stars sport hairstyles out of a 1970s yearbook? Fine, Steve Carell doesn't know how handsome he is, so we'll give his squirrel's nest a pass, but the Supercuts atop Christian Bale,
Back in 1987, "Wall Street" addressed soulless American greed as well, yet stars Charlie Sheen and (Oscar winner) Michael Douglas looked sleek doing so. Yes, the style may be dated now, but back then it was as hot as Pat Riley.
"By the Sea"
Speaking of Pitt in the '70s. Please, take a cue from your costar.
Angelina Jolie Pitt didn't give herself a Dorothy Hamill wedge to hew more closely to the time period. Even through her grief, her hair was perfect.
Oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny (Depp, Depp, Depp). We know you hate your good looks; you dive into a pile of prosthetics every chance you get. But we love them. Bring them back — and not just in a perfume commercial.
2006's "The Departed" gave us the same story but it focused on the handsome trio of DiCaprio, Damon and Mark Wahlberg. A story of treachery shouldn't have to betray our trust.
"Mad Max: Fury Road"
With a hatchet job haircut and a metal cage on his face for part of the film, it's no wonder Max is mad. Hardy seems to despise his beauty as much as Pitt and Depp. But the rest of us don't, Tom. Remember that.
Just cast your gaze back to the earlier "Mad Max" movies, and the once-beloved eye candy that was
"In the Heart of the Sea"
You know who else was lost at sea and faced terrible odds of survival? Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" (2002). Yes, he had a terrible beard but he also had abs to die for, even inspiring the Cast Away Diet craze. Seriously, look it up.