A Sponge Gets Ready for His Close-Up

Life’s a beach for SpongeBob SquarePants, and his people want to keep it that way. They have their work cut out for them, what with this month’s opening of “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” threatening to make Nickelodeon’s porous, giggly, sunny-natured cartoon hero a crossover sensation. After rigorous screening, we were greenlighted for a chat with the world’s happiest sponge, who dwells in blissful ignorance of his fame in the undersea community of Bikini Bottom, where he regularly wields a spatula on the fry shift at the Krusty Krab restaurant. Here’s what we soaked up via shell-phone, courtesy of SpongeBob’s voice-over alter ego, Tom Kenny.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? This is SpongeBob. Fiber optics don’t work so well underwater.

What’s the best thing about living on the ocean floor?

Well, it’s very near the water, which is good for aquatic types. You don’t have to worry much about spilling things, either.

Your recent quest to salvage King Neptune’s crown has been documented with stunning accuracy in a new movie. What do you think about being a hero?

Well, I’m a very modest sponge. I don’t like to brag [short, coy laugh, feigning bashfulness]. I just did what I had to do to help out my friends and neighbors. However, if a newspaper insisted upon calling me a hero, I’d have no choice but to agree, and to buy 300 extra copies to hand out to everyone I know [burst of giggles].

How would you feel about being famous?

I have no aspirations toward fame. When is this going to be in the paper?

Has this latest success changed your life?

It’s brought more customers into the Krusty Krab, which means I’m now able to work triple shifts at minimum wage. Hooray! My life couldn’t be improved. It’s as good as it gets. I have a job I love, good friends, a pet snail whom I love and who loves me back. I’m a happy sponge.

If you could have lunch with any star, whom would it be?

Oh, that’s easy. The same star I have lunch with every day: my pinkish [starfish] pal, Patrick Star. Patrick and I have been buds since I was a tiny, single-celled invertebrate organism.

We like your pants. Are they custom-tailored?

I buy my trousers off the rack at Bargain Mart. They have a great Geometric Attire department. I’m a firm believer in buying all your clothing in bulk. If a style works for you, stock up. Especially when it comes to undergarments. To buy your underwear one at a time is shortsighted.

Any special underwater washing instructions?

Two words: Fluff and fold.

Thanks to you, Bob, thousands of children want to be sponges when they grow up. Any tips?

I think it’s better to decide what you really are and then be the best that you can be at that. If one chose to be a sponge, it’s all about porousness and absorbency. I would tell children to practice their water retention, but don’t do it at night. And be a mental sponge as well as a physical sponge. Soak everything up.