Continuing the remarkable streak of getting absolutely every prediction correct for the last six years, comes this season’s 10 things guaranteed to happen to the Dodgers in the coming season:
1. Clayton Kershaw will win his third straight Cy Young award, and fourth in five years, becoming the first pitcher in either league to accomplish that feat since Randy Johnson won four consecutively with the Diamondbacks (1999-2002).
As said annually, always start with an easy one.
2. A class action suit will be filed against the Dodgers by fans who claim their hearing has been permanently destroyed by those annoying, shrill, in-game Dodger Stadium hostesses.
3. At least three-fifths of the Dodgers’ rotation will end up on the disabled list for long stretches (cheating, I know, Hyun-Jin Ryu opens on the DL).
4. The Dodgers will have this really good announcer on TV that less than 30% of the Los Angeles market will be able to enjoy for the second consecutive full season. Oh, the shame.
5. That vaunted clubhouse culture change will end up looking remarkably like last year’s clubhouse culture.
6. Alex Guerrero will start take playing time away from beloved Juan Uribe, whose bat never quite comes around.
7. Adrian Gonzalez will announce his retirement to begin his new career as a boxer, scaling down to light heavyweight.
8. Yasiel Puig, still not confused with Derek Jeter, will do something lackadaisical on the field and hear about it from Jimmy Rollins.
9. Kenley Jansen will return in early May, which will be a very good thing because the Dodgers still won’t have identified an interim closer.
Bonus prediction: The Dodgers win 88 games and miss the playoffs.