Note: This article is written in script format as a fictional episode of “The Simpsons” animated television show.
The scene opens on Channel 6 News anchor Kent Brockman broadcasting from the new Springfield-themed land that is set for a late April grand opening at Universal Studios Hollywood.
The arrogant, oblivious and often misinformed Brockman stands with a microphone in his hand and “Springfield” spelled out in 40-foot-tall letters over his shoulder.
Kent Brockman: Welcome to a special edition of "Eye on Springfield." I’m Kent Brockman reporting live from Universal Studios, where the Southern California theme park is busy putting the finishing touches on an exact replica of our fair town of Springfield.
The camera pans to a view of Springfield’s main thoroughfare brimming with familiar town landmarks. In the distance, a neon sign glows above the Duff Beer brewery and the iconic mascot of Lard Lad Donuts towers over the street.
Kent Brockman: Today I’ll be taking you on a behind-the-scenes tour of the nearly-complete knockoff and talking to some of the town’s citizenry about the cultural and penal institutions represented in this authentically fake version of our fine town.
A video montage of shots preview the three restaurants, three food stands and two bars in the new themed land.
Kent Brockman: The place looks like Springfield's own Fast Food Boulevard. It's all here: Krusty Burger, Cletus' Chicken Shack, Luigi's Pizza, Bumblebee Man's Taco Truck, Lard Lad Donuts, Phineas Q. Butterfat's Ice Cream Parlor, Moe's Tavern and Duff Brewery. And every order comes with a side of liposuction.
The camera cuts to Brockman in front of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Homer Simpson pushes a series of buttons that cause havoc at the facility, triggering warning lights and sounds. An explosive blast is followed by steam pouring from the twin 15-foot-tall reactors.
Kent Brockman: I’m here with safety inspector Homer Simpson at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, the town’s largest employer and the site of a recent safety inspection that revealed 342 violations.
Homer Simpson: We’re proud of our reputation as the most radioactive city in the United States. We’re extremely lucky that the plant was built during a particularly lax period in the Nuclear Regulatory Commission’s history.
Brockman walks up to a student in front of Springfield Elementary School and shoves the microphone in his face.
Kent Brockman: And what’s your name, young man?
Bart Simpson: I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Kent Brockman: I’m Kent Brockman with Channel 6 News and you’re live on the air. Tell me what you think of this artificial Springfield that Universal Studios is trying to fool the public with.
Bart Simpson: You want me to tell you what I think of the city that proudly proclaims itself the Meanest Town in America? The place that Time magazine dubbed America’s Worst City? That Newsweek called America’s Crud Bucket?
Kent Brockman: I guess that proves we’re broadcasting live. We'll be right back after this message from our sponsor.
Commercial break: Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you, I’ll have a Duff, you’ll have one too. Welcome aboard the Little Land of Duff, a delightful new children’s boat ride at Duff Gardens. Take your family on a whimsical tour around the globe as you float on a river of recycled beer. Only at Duff Gardens, nowhere near as good as Disneyland but far better than Universal Studios Hollywood.
Out in front of Moe’s Tavern, Brockman and Moe Szyslak each hold cocktail glasses billowing smoke.
Kent Brockman: Well, I could certainly use a drink at this point. Oh, **bleep**, are we on the air again?
Moe Szyslak: Unfortunately, the Flaming Moe is nonalcoholic.
Kent Brockman: What’s the point of that?
Moe Szyslak: I guess Universal wants to be able to sell the drink to kids and alcoholics.
Town drunk Barney Gumble stumbles out of Duff Brewery with a frosty mug of beer in his hand.
Kent Brockman: It appears they serve beer in the brewery.
Barney Gumble: They’ve got Duff, Duff Lite and Duff Dry. Burrrrrrppp!!!
Kent Brockman: Well, clearly the beer has alcohol in it. I imagine they’ve got a barstool in there with your name on it.
Moe Szyslak: Actually we have a life-size sculpture of Barney in Moe’s Tavern, suitable for photos with the tourist types.
Commercial break: When you want nothing but the booze! Introducing Duff 200, made of pure 200-proof grain alcohol. Duff Beer. You can’t get enough of the wonderful Duff.
Brockman steps inside the Android’s Dungeon comic book store and approaches Jeffrey Albertson, better known around Springfield as the Comic Book Guy.
Kent Brockman: I’m now with a man who needs no introduction. A prominent pop culture critic and frequent guest on Smartline, a late-night panel discussion show hosted by yours truly, right here on Channel 6. As an expert, is there anything good you can say about this blatant money grab by Universal?
Comic Book Guy: As you might have guessed, Universal has jumped on the latest bandwagon in theme park design with an entire land devoted to a single franchise. Of course, Disney started it with Cars Land and then Avatarland. The trouble is when the intellectual property falls out of favor with the public. I mean, how long has “The Simpsons” even been on TV?
Kent Brockman: I believe 26 seasons.
Comic Book Guy: My point exactly. This Springfield land is nothing more than a way to hide the backside of Wizarding World of Harry Potter, another franchise without any staying power.
Kent Brockman: What would you rather see here instead?
Comic Book Guy: Bring back "E.T." or "Back to the Future." One of the classics rather than all this trendy flash-in-the-pan stuff.
Commercial break: Back by popular demand! Blow your mind with the all-syrup Super Squishee! Never chunky! Always funky! It’s psychedeli-cious! Available for a limited time at your local Kwik-E-Mart. Caution: May cause hallucinations. The surgeon general of Springfield has declared that consuming Squishee syrup in excessive amounts can make you “crazy in the head.” Please drink responsibly.
Brockman and his cameraman rush up to Apu Nahasapeemapetilon ambush-style in front of the Kwik-E-Mart.
Kent Brockman: Isn’t it true that Kwik-E-Mart sells faulty, dirty and expired merchandise?
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We won’t be selling anything as soon as this counterfeit Springfield is finished.
Kent Brockman: So you don’t deny the allegations?
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We’ve been here since the Simpsons ride opened in 2008 as the sole proprietor of all Simpsons promotional merchandise. Now they’ve got a cart selling Squishees, Lard Lad selling giant pink D’Oh-Nuts and Moe’s selling Duff beer. What am I left with? Buzz Cola.
Commercial break: They've done it! They combined Buzz cola with the smooth, rich taste of lemon! The same great Buzz Cola now with artificial lemon flavoring. And be sure to try Buzz Lemon 2XUB with twice the sugar and twice the caffeine. Now available anywhere soft drinks are sold (except Kwik-E-Mart).
The camera pulls back from a smug Brockman to reveal the facade of the Channel 6 Studios, home of KBBL-TV, the "Krusty the Clown" show, the "Itchy & Scratchy" show, "Eye on Springfield" and "Smartline."
Kent Brockman: Let’s go to our eye-in-the-sky guy Arnie Pye high above this gleaming tribute to journalistic excellence for a look at Universal’s pirated copy of Springfield. What do you see, Arnie?
Arnie Pye (via helicopter cockpit camera): I have to tell you, Kent, it doesn’t look good. A number of natural disasters are simultaneously forming all around Universal’s Springfield. Avalanches, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions.
Kent Brockman: That’s great, Arnie.
Arnie Pye: No! A tornado! Mayday, mayday! I’m going down. Tell my wife I love…
Kent Brockman: Thanks for your report, Arnie.
Commercial break: Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke. I’m celebrity endorser Eddie “Rochester” Anderson here to tell you about Laramie Jr. cigarettes, perfect for the first-time smoker and the cigarette of choice of Itchy and Scratchy. I just know I can’t stop smoking them. Laramie Jr. cigarettes. Pure enjoyment.
Jaded twin sisters Patty and Selma Bouvier chain-smoke behind the counter at the Springfield Department of Motor Vehicles.
Patty Bouvier: What I want to know is why Universal’s got an entire land dedicated to that good-for-nothing Homer Simpson and not even a single ride for "MacGyver."
Kent Brockman: I don’t know. I’ll have to ask the park.
Selma Bouvier: You do that. We watch "MacGyver" religiously.
High above Springfield looms Burns Manor, the sprawling mansion of reclusive and nefarious billionaire Montgomery Burns, Springfield's richest and most powerful citizen. Brockman creeps up to the imposing iron entry gate and buzzes an intercom.
Kent Brockman: May we speak to Mr. Burns?
Montgomery Burns (via intercom): Release the hounds.
Krusty the Clown bounds out of Krusty Burgers with his trademark laugh, barreling toward the camera before his face eventually fills the full frame.
Kent Brockman: I’m here with the star of the "Krusty the Clown" show, broadcast right here on our own Channel 6.
Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey kids. It’s your old pal Krusty.
Kent Brockman: Now Krusty, some have called Krusty Burger the unhealthiest restaurant in the world. How do you respond to that charge?
Krusty the Clown: We’re just doing our part to help Springfield maintain its crown as America’s Fattest Town in Duff’s Book of World Records.
Kent Brockman: Some accuse you of using zoo animals, road kill and insects in your burgers.
Krusty the Clown: We’ve got something even better now. We call it the Clogger. I suffered my first on-the-air heart attack after eating one of those behemoths.
Commercial break: Hey, hey. It’s your old pal Krusty for my new sandwich, the Clogger, now with real meat flavor. Make it a combo with our delicious Bacon Balls and a frosty 128-ounce beverage.
Sideshow Bob escapes from the window of the Springfield Penitentiary and leaps in front of the Channel 6 cameraman, who has been filming the jail break.
Kent Brockman: I understand Universal will have Sideshow Bob and Krusty the Clown characters strolling around Springfield when the new land finally opens.
Sideshow Bob: The meet-and-greet characters were deemed more cost effective than the Kang & Kodos Twirl 'n' Hurl ride Universal Orlando introduced when they opened their version of Springfield in 2013. It’s really disappointing since this park could use more outdoor attractions to give the place greater kinetic energy. All they really added here were revenue-generating restaurants and bars.
Holding a cup of coffee and a donut, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum inspects a damaged squad car that has crashed into a lamp post near the Springfield Police Station, where a criminal is escaping right behind his back.
Chief Wiggum: I was responding to a prison break when the perpetrator ran right in front of my car.
Kent Brockman: Can you describe the suspect?
Chief Wiggum: It’s Sideshow Bob.
Kent Brockman: What does he look like?
Chief Wiggum: Wild red hair. Maniacal eyes. Insane grin. Have you seen him?
Kent Brockman: Can’t say I have.
The camera frames Brockman with a mother and her two daughters in front of the Simpsons Ride next to a row of boardwalk games.
Kent Brockman: I’m standing before the only ride in this new themed land with the Springfield family that lent its name to the attraction.
Marge Simpson: It’s so nice that Universal has a ride for the whole family.
Lisa Simpson: I would hardly call this a family ride, mom. Maggie gets irradiated inside a nuclear reactor, we repeatedly cheat death at Krusty’s demented amusement park and a psychopathic Sideshow Bob tries to kill our entire family.
Marge Simpson: That doesn’t sound very good. At least there’s some games for the kids.
Lisa Simpson: You mean these traveling carnival midway games designed to separate helpless suckers from their money?
Marge Simpson: Well, when you put it that way...
Kent Brockman: And there you have it folks. You can find all this and more at the new Springfield-themed land expected to begin "sneak peek" previews starting this weekend at Universal Studios Hollywood. So until next time, I’m Kent Brockman from Channel 6 News and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Note: A special thanks to Simpsons Wiki for providing extensive character biographies, business descriptions and Springfield history.