If Garvey Were Owner, Who’d Be on First?

Nagging questions . . .

Since it is unlikely that Steve Garvey will be able to buy the Padres, does he have any other options?

The Seattle Mariners are available, but it is unlikely he would be interested. They already have one club president and two first basemen. I would suggest he collect baseball cards.

Isn’t it true Garvey is still interested in being the Padre club president? Are there others with similar baseball backgrounds who might also be candidates for the job?

I can think of a few with similar backgrounds in baseball--Keith Hernandez, Eddie Murray, Don Mattingly, Dave Kingman, Leon Durham, Bill Buckner and Kent Hrbek. There must be others.

But wouldn’t Garvey be good for the club? Wouldn’t he sign high-priced free agents?

As long as they weren’t Keith Hernandez or Eddie Murray or Don Mattingly or . . .

Do the Chargers have any more 6-foot, 9-inch tuba players hiding in the closet?

The garage, maybe, but not the closet. However, I understand they had scouts at Wrestlemania Sunday.

Are they interested in Andre the Giant?

They might have been, but they found a Giant Sequoia that is more mobile.

Will Dan Fouts have trouble throwing passes over Tuba Man?

Not likely. I suspect Dan will be in the locker room when the band is on the field.

It was interesting to note that one of the Sockers was lamenting that their coach makes more money and their trainer is better-looking than the players. Are these guys overpaid crybabies , too?

Money is not the issue. The Socker players have instructed their agents to ask the club to provide nose jobs, face lifts, tummy tucks and hair transplants as well as lifetime memberships in a tanning salon.

Why did Jim Brandenburg leave the University of Wyoming to become basketball coach at San Diego State? Didn’t he have to take a substantial pay cut?

Money was an issue, of course. He added up the cost of parkas, rock salt, storm windows, snow tires, coal, galoshes, medicine and a tanning salon membership and figured it was a push.

Aren’t there nice things about Wyoming?

Summer. However, Brandenburg missed it last year. He spent that weekend at a coaching clinic.

What will Ballard Smith do when the sale of the Padres is approved and he is no longer club president?

Based on my perception of what he has done lately, I think he would make an excellent vice president of the United States.

What else might he do?

OK, you want me to be serious. I think Ballard Smith might consider becoming a catcher. No one else has been able to stop Tim Raines from running.

With Ballard Smith gone, will the beer ban be lifted in the clubhouse?

No, but I understand George Argyros, the new owner, has promised the players that ouzo will be available.

Where did the Sockers come up with their “Joy of Six” slogan?

Coach Ron Newman looked around on the bench one night and found he had six healthy players.

How would you describe Larry Bowa’s relationship with umpires last year when he was managing in Las Vegas?

Bowa considered umpire’s ear to be a delicacy. He could not find a restaurant that had it on the menu, so he had to chew on it at the ballpark.

How long will it take Bowa to be ejected for the first time as Padre manager?

What time is the season opener?

What happens to a team when the manager is ejected?

It does nothing for the team, but it’s good for the manager. He no longer has to watch. It helps keep him from getting de jected. Getting ejected may be a welcome relief from the 1987 Padres.

You don’t expect the Padres will be very good?

Look at it this way. Even umpires might start looking good to Larry Bowa.

What’s new with the America’s Cup?

Beats me. Maybe the Chargers are using it in their weight room. Or maybe it’s been melted down and turned into a tuba.

Is it true that they might not be racing on 12-meters in 1990-91?

Should the defense be held off the San Diego coast, a more appropriate vessel may be considered. I understand an early favorite is the aircraft carrier.