Who Is Going to Win Masters? Greg Norman, Yeah, That’s the Ticket

So, when does the Masters golf tournament start? This morning.

Where at? Where at. Pebble Beach, that’s where at. Riviera. What planet you been livin’ on? Augusta National, goofball.

How’s the course look?

Ben Crenshaw said the greens are a lot firmer this year. He said: “I believe the scores are going to go up. There’s some terrifying spots out there.” That’s sort of like what Lee Trevino said about the greens. He said: “They’re harder than Chinese arithmetic.”

Who’s going to win the Masters this year?

Greg Norman, Seve Ballesteros or Sandy Lyle.

Who’s going to finish second?

Tom Kite. Tom Kite always finishes second. Tom Kite is the two-legged Alydar.

Where’s Jack Nicklaus going to finish?

At the 18th hole Sunday.

Be serious. Can Jack do it again?

No comment.

Well, can an American win the Masters this year?

Heck, yes. Crenshaw.

Who’s not going to win the Masters?

Oh, the older guys--Arnold Palmer, Gary Player, Billy Casper, George Archer, Tommy Aaron, Art Wall Jr., Doug Ford, Bob Goalby, Gay Brewer, Jack Nick- . . . uh, no comment.

What about the younger guys?

Fuzzy Zoeller won’t win. Neither will Hal Sutton, I think. Nor Scott Verplank. Calvin Peete’s game isn’t suited for Augusta. Same with Larry Nelson.

Same with Corey Pavin?

Not necessarily, sandtrap-breath.

Whatever became of ...

Tom Watson?

Yeah, Tom Watson.

Funny, we were just asking Nicklaus that about a year ago.

Well, whatever happened to ...

Bob Tway?

Yeah, Bob Tway.

Good question. Whatever did happen to Bob Tway? “Obviously, I’m not playing as well as last year,” Tway said Wednesday. “I’ve thrown away a couple of shots a round and turned 68s into 72s.”

Can Tway win the Masters?

Sure. If he turns 72s into 68s.

What about Mac O’Grady?

No. Not until he decides whether he is right-handed or left-handed.

What do you mean?

O’Grady played Wednesday’s par-3 tournament left-handed. He’ll probably play Thursday with one hand tied behind his back, Friday on one foot, Saturday on a unicycle, and Sunday handcuffed to Pat Summerall.

Can George Burns play well enough to win here, like he did at San Diego?

No, but George Burns can play God.

Can Jim Thorpe win the tournament?

No, but Jim Thorpe can win the decathlon.

Can David Frost win?

No, but he can interview Richard Nixon.

Come on, then. Handicap the field.

Seriously? OK. Norman, 2-1. A threat to win anywhere. Ballesteros, 5-2. Ditto. Lyle, 3-1. Won the TPC, is playing great. Kite, 4-1. He’ll beat at least two of these guys. Crenshaw, 4-1. Playing like ’84 again.

Go on.

Payne Stewart, 6-1. Bernhard Langer and Corey Pavin, 8-1. Raymond Floyd, 10-1. Mark Calcavecchia, 12-1. Odds would be better if Calcavecchia had ever been here before. Going to the Masters for the first time is like eating oysters for the first time. Takes some getting used to.

Which of these guys would you like to see win?

Stewart.

Why?

Because when he won at Bay Hill recently, he took his $108,000 prize money and donated it to a clinic in Florida that does cancer research. Nice fella. And honest, too. He was playing so lousy last year that he said he was thinking about quitting golf. “But that was all talk. That was just bull,” Stewart said. “What else could I do to make this much money?”

What do you think he would do with the money if he won the Masters?

Have the green jacket dyed pink and have the sleeves shortened.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Stewart practiced Wednesday in pink knickers, pink suspenders, a pink cap and a pink bow tie. He looked like a cross between Richard Simmons and a strawberry parfait.

Quick, gimme a good longshot.

Rick Fehr.

Any other sleepers who can win?

Of course. Jay Haas always plays well here. Andy Bean’s about due. T.C. Chen won the L.A. and is playing OK. Jose-Maria Olazabal, not Ballesteros, might be the Spaniard to watch. Tommy Nakajima can win this thing. As for Mark O’Meara, hey, why not?

Lee Trevino?

No way. Just ask him. “I don’t have any chance here,” Trevino said. “It’s not my golf course. You gotta hit it high and long. I gotta give Greg Norman three clubs every hole here. I’m hittin’ 5-irons when he’s hittin’ 8-irons.”

OK, no Trevino. But let me ask you one more time about Nicklaus.

Oh, God.

Yeah, that’s what I call him, too. Honestly now, where do you think Nicklaus will finish? And don’t say the 18th hole Sunday.

OK. The 18th hole Friday.

You never learn, do you?

Hey, did I or did I not pick Sugar Ray Leonard? Did I or did I not pick the New York Giants?

Did you or did you not write off Jack Nicklaus last year?

Hey, who didn’t? Even his fellow golfers couldn’t believe what happened. “Our mouths were open the whole time,” Crenshaw said. “Like everyone else’s. It was unbelievable. It was spectacular.” Yes, it was. And you know what? I hope he does it again. I like having my mouth open.