Gastineau’s Ring Career Field Day for Jokers

When Mark Gastineau announced his intent to pursue a career in boxing, Wallace Matthews of Newsday wrote: “Wonder how Gastineau will feel the first time he gets knocked down and some guy does a sack dance over his fanny?”

Said New York Jet center Joe Fields, a former teammate: “He might be the first guy in the history of boxing to lose to his own shadow.”

How about Gastineau vs. Mike Tyson?

Fields: “He might have a tough enough time against Robin Givens.”

Dept. of Irony: On the day Bart Giammati handed down his ruling on Pete Rose, the Sporting News had a story in which Rose complained that National League President Bill White was too lenient when he only fined umpire Joe West for allegedly shoving Cincinnati second baseman Ron Oester during an argument.

“It’s unbelievable,” Rose said. “What does a guy have to do to warrant a suspension?”

Trivia time: What are the first names of Red Sanders, Red Ruffing and Red Schoendienst?

Ouch: Bob Mizik of the Pittsburgh Press, after reading an advance copy of Terry Bradshaw’s autobiography, titled “Looking Deep,” suggested that a more appropriate title would be “Looking Shallow.”

Mizik: “Bradshaw wouldn’t know the truth if it blind-sided him. Some books you read with a grain of salt. Bradshaw’s you read with a box of salt.”

Lou’s lament: Said Notre Dame football Coach Lou Holtz after being told the Irish were being picked to repeat as national champions by the USA Today/CNN poll’: “That’s insane. Do the guys voting for you write in crayon?

“I hate to think we’re the best team in the country. If there isn’t some team out there better than us, then this is going to be an all-time low for execution in college football.”

Sure as rain: Said Steve Kelley of the Seattle Times when General Manager Bob Whitsett of the Seattle SuperSonics traded Alton Lister to the Golden State Warriors after repeatedly denying a deal was in the works: “If he says it won’t rain, head for higher ground.”

Would-you-believe-it Dept.: From Stan Isle of the Sporting News: “When Texas right-hander Nolan Ryan beat the New York Yankees, 6-2, recently, he found he had pitched against more New York broadcasters than players in the current Yankees’ lineup.

“Among former Ryan opponents behind the mikes were Bobby Murcer, Tom Seaver, Lou Piniella, Jay Johnstone and Tommy Hutton. The only current Yankee Ryan had faced previously was second baseman Steve Sax.”

War of egos: Said Jim McMahon, explaining why Mike Ditka had him traded from Chicago to San Diego: “He doesn’t like people to take away from his spotlight. I was probably one of the guys, if not the only guy, who could do that in Chicago. So he got rid of his competition now. He would do that just to spite me. There’s no doubt about it.”

Trivia answer: Henry Sanders, Charles Ruffing, Albert Schoendienst.

Quotebook: Dallas Cowboy guard Nate (the Kitchen) Newton, on his weight problem: “Every night, I tell myself, ‘I’m gonna dream about my girl. I’m gonna dream about my girl.’ But it’s always ham hocks.”