THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : To Win, Celtics Need Bird in the Hand, Not in a Hospital

Bird on a Wire: Only a few things stand between that Laker-Celtic finals that Magic, Larry, David Stern and NBC dream about.

Some of those, however, may require miracles to remedy. Leaving for the moment the Lakers’ torturous path, there’s Larry Bird’s back.

It hurts.

It may need surgery.

He couldn’t practice last week, retreating into another Garboesque silence before returning with a flourish: 21 points, 12 assists and 12 rebounds in the playoff opener.

He then spent the night in a hospital. Imagine, preventive traction.

The Celtic hierarchy stiffened when the Boston Globe reported that Bird had a bulging disk, a swollen facet and a congenitally narrow spinal canal, or in layman’s terms, big trouble, possibly requiring surgery.

CEO Dave Gavitt insisted surgery has “never been discussed.”

Perhaps by pure coincidence, the Celtics had begun making plans to play without Bird.

Said Robert Parish: “We can win without Larry if it comes to that.”

Without Bird, they were 10-12 this season.

With him, 47-15.

Generation Gap: There’s also a problem between old and young Celtics, alluded to by CEO emeritus Red Auerbach.

Auerbach told the Globe: “You hope the young players appreciate what Larry is doing, but to tell you the truth, you’ve got a different breed of player today who, rather than voice his own opinion, asks his agent what to say.”

This was a thinly veiled reference to Brian Shaw and Reggie Lewis, whose agent advised the former to go to Italy and the latter to hardball the Celtics in negotiations.

Aside from that, the title run continues.

Domino Theory: You get the feeling a little pressure might launch the Bulls on a terminal round of internecine squabbling, but their chief problem making the East finals is avoiding tripping over the prone bodies.

Check their draw:

The Knicks have all but formally fired Coach John MacLeod. He is in the running for so many vacancies, real and anticipated, you weren’t sure if he was going to show up in Chicago with the Knicks, Timberwolves or Heat.

After watching the Bulls win the opener by 41 points, you still weren’t sure.

When the Bulls swat this nuisance, they play the 76er-Buck winner.

Milwaukee doesn’t have leading scorer Dale Ellis.

Philadelphia’s Charles Barkley has a bad knee. The 76ers were outscored, outshot and outrebounded by their opponents, making their mere presence in postseason a puzzle.

Weak End at Bernie’s: Stung by criticism, including a Denver Post column asking fans to wave stinky socks at the last game because of Paul Westhead’s introductory news conference (“We’re going to knock your socks off”), rookie Nugget General Manager Bernie Bickerstaff issued this release:

“The Denver Nuggets and the Denver media need a mental cleansing to divest themselves of all the petty feuding and posturing.

“It is time for whose who are capable to manifest professionalism. Neither party is doing anything to enhance the success of the franchise.”

He’s right there.

Annual spring plea: Lowlights from the Atlanta-Detroit opener, including Isiah Thomas body-checking Dominique Wilkins into the seats without penalty, show that the NBA’s attempts to curtail thuggery may be ongoing but aren’t finished.

That stuff isn’t basketball and basketball isn’t better for it.

NBA Notes

General managers are all discussing instant replay, but it looks as if the Jack Madden crew ruled correctly on Byron Scott’s field goal in the playoff opener. NBC showed a tape with the game clock superimposed on it, showing the ball leaving Scott’s hand with .2 of the 24 seconds left. Referee Ed T. Rush says the game clock decides in cases of dispute.

Isiah Thomas, before the Pistons were upset by the Hawks in their playoff opener: “Even if we do win it, I believe there will be major changes, maybe five or six new faces. You can’t live in the past. There are a few cities I wouldn’t mind being in, like Miami. It’s a nice place. I could learn to like Miami.” There’s nothing wrong with Piston chemistry, except everyone’s unhappy. . . . Charlotte head scout Dave Twardzik on Billy Owens of Syracuse, who recently made himself eligible for the draft: “Personally, he’d be my No. 1 pick. He’s an uncanny passer for his size. People that size (6 feet 9) are just not supposed to handle the ball and see the floor the way he does.”

As predicted for weeks, months or since the day he was hired, Bill Musselman was fired by the Timberwolves. Said Musselman: “They knew what I was like. That’s me. I don’t know what else I can say.” Comment: He’s right. Take a bow, Minnesota owners Marv Wolfensen and Harvey Ratner. Don’t say nobody warned you because everybody did. Pooh Richardson, lamenting Musselman’s departure, sort of: “People are calling me a coach-killer, saying I got him fired. That’s not fair.” Pooh’s right, it was more a team effort.

Next Stop, Rapid City?: Ralph Sampson after the Kings’ last game: “. . .Sacramento and . . . the people upstairs. Print that in your newspaper. I’ll be back, but it won’t be here.” Sampson has two guaranteed seasons left at $2.5 million per year, and with a new partner buying in, the Kings might finally have the loot to buy him out.

Monkey See, Monkey Do: Not to be outdone by CBS, which split its TV picture to show several NCAA tournament games at once, TNT is splitting its screen for the playoffs. Now we get two postage-stamp pictures we can’t follow. . . . An unidentified Seattle player told the Tacoma News-Tribune: “Now you know why everybody said all K.C. (Jones) did was roll out the balls and let the Celtics play. It’s a lot easier when you have three All-Stars than when you have a lot of young players who need experience and confidence playing together. We play 10 men and nobody knows what they do.” Replied Jones: “There’s something wrong with what we’ve done all year, to lose that many games. We’re using two-a-days (practices) to tear this team apart to look at things.” Hint: Seattle has no go-to guy. Also at 14 points and eight rebounds, Benoit Benjamin hasn’t exactly been $3.6-million worth yet. . . . Washington may offer former Bullet Jeff Malone, a restricted free agent, a big contract, feeling the Jazz, sensitive to salary structure because of its small market, won’t go above John Stockton’s $2.3 million annually.

The Warrior-Spur series is enlivened by the Don Nelson-Larry Brown face-off, Brown having complained that Nelson was “campaigning” for the Olympic coaching job before both lost out to Chuck Daly. Nelson says there’s “no feud as far as I know. I don’t even know Larry Brown.” In the opener, the teams had only two bench-clearing confrontations. . . . Portland’s Danny Ainge on Coach Rick Adelman’s basketball card: “Looks like an insurance salesman.” Said Terry Porter: “Looks like my realtor.”