It’s Live Chicken Till the Fat Lady Sings : Super Bowl: A few changes. First, no more teams from Denver, Buffalo or Minnesota.

Since the Super Bowl is this country’s most prestigious and profitable export, we must remain ever vigilant to its quality, its content and its global appeal. Some suggestions, then, for next year.

Nobody likes a lopsided victory. (Well, Richard Nixon, but he doesn’t have the foot speed he used to.) To prevent another embarrassing blowout, we must devise a system that promotes competition and, if you will, levels the playing field.

No teams from Buffalo, Denver or Minnesota can ever play in the Super Bowl again. Ever. Even if all the other teams are destroyed by a catastrophic asteroid hit during the off season. Ever. Got it?

Any team leading by more than 17 points at halftime will have to play the last 30 minutes dressed as popular theme-park characters. Think of the merchandising!

Any team trailing by more than 20 points at any time may elect to halt the contest for a period of no longer than one hour, in order to seek guidance from a qualified therapist who will help them understand why they seem to have this need to sabotage themselves all the time.

Linemen weighing more than 300 pounds must play alternate downs wearing a Turf Assn.-certified jockey and all his tack.

During field-goal and extra-point attempts, bachelors from the opposing club may buy the kicker’s wife a drink and pester her for her phone number.

All coaches must wear hot curlers and a house dress when leading by more than 10 points.

A team that falls behind early may replace the football with a live chicken.

No game will be considered over until and unless an actual fat lady is found in the stands, wheeled onto the field and made to sing “Billie Jean.”

In any instance of a point differential exceeding the combined age of the commentators, players on the dominant squad will be benched and replaced by their oldest surviving relatives.

Half-time suggestion? Two words: Shuttle launch .