LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the Supreme Court ruling that there is no constitutional right to assisted suicide: “They said, ‘Hey, if Bill Clinton wants to run for reelection, that’s his business.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Whitewater figure Walter Hubbell, who’s been disbarred in Arkansas: “What do you call an attorney who violates ethics for personal gain? A veteran. “

Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on Los Angeles Fire Chief Donald O. Manning’s resignation: “Imagine that, a fire chief who can’t take the heat.”

Comedy Central Radioactive, on David Copperfield’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: “Like his best tricks, no one can figure out how it happened.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Ito negotiated with jurors. Even though salaries will stay at $5 a day, they get a 5% annual increase and a pension plan.” (Leno)

* “Ito’s taking charge. First, he kicked out two people for talking. Then, he had them spit out their gum and gave extra homework.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “With lunch trimmed from 90 minutes to 60, F. Lee Bailey has 2 1/2 fewer hours weekly to convince reporters of his great job cross-examining Mark Fuhrman.” (Tony Peyser)

* “To expedite things, the Dream Team is now limited to one new defense theory daily.” (Bob Mills)

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Baseball briefs: “To honor the opener, Ito refrained from sidebars and had meetings at the mound.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “On opening day, Darryl Strawberry put on a glove, loosened up and broke a sweat. And he was just preparing for his drug test.” (Perisho)

* “Darryl signed an agreement with the IRS to pay $350,000 for tax evasion. It’s the most anybody’s ever gotten for his autograph.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Umpires have been saying ‘strike’ so long that they were forced to write ‘ball’ on their palms.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Ballpark franks are 234 days closer to their 2017 expiration date.” (Michael Connor)

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A little boy wanted $10 very badly and prayed for it for two weeks without success. He decided to write God a letter asking for $10. When the postal authorities received the letter to addressed to “God, U.S.A.,” they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused, he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.

The child was delighted when he received the $5, so he sent God a thank-you note. “Dear God,” he wrote, “Thanks for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and, as usual, those guys deducted $5.”

--Dwight Gick, Newport Beach

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North Hollywood reader Deb Dittman’s daughter Mette, 5, had sculpted an elaborate sand version of the Sphinx at the beach. When Dittman asked her daughter where she learned about the Sphinx, her daughter replied:

“Las Vegas. “