LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Ump bump: “Baseball umpires voted to settle the lockout. They were jealous of the booing and obscenities being directed at the players.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Everyone’s happy to see the regular umps back at work. Last Sunday, Tommy Lasorda got into an argument with the home plate umpire and two hot dog vendors were ejected by mistake.” (Paul Ryan)

* “All they were really looking for was more security, more money and better veterinary care for their Seeing Eye dogs.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “The umps are back, the players are back. Now if we could just get the fans back.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Henry Foster’s nomination for surgeon general: “When reporters asked Sen. Strom Thurmond his position, he said he thinks Jodie is a great actress, but she’s no surgeon general.”

Ryan, on Warren Christopher’s comments about Iran: “He called them ‘the foremost sponsor of state terrorism in the world,’ prompting Moammar Kadafi to vow that, being No. 2, Libya would try harder.”

Comedy writer Johnny Robish, on the Dan Rather/Connie Chung feud: “Rather says he’s angry Chung anchored solo during Oklahoma City bombing coverage. If CBS exploits a tragedy, he thinks both anchors should be in on it.”

Adds comedy writer Russ Myers: “They still pretend they like each other on camera. Maybe they should change the name to the ‘CBS Evening Ruse.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the study showing that two-thirds of high school students aren’t proficient in reading. “Most teens don’t understand the report. They’re waiting for it to come out on video.”

Adds Jay Leno: “It’s easy to see why scores are down. If a teacher hands a kid a book and a free condom, which one do you think he’ll use first?”

Cutler, on the theft of Toto from the MGM Grand’s “Wizard of Oz” exhibit: “As the Nevada police issued an APB for two flying monkeys, one cop said, ‘I don’t think he’s in Vegas anymore.’ ”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The flight attendant was allowed off the trial, but she’ll pay a hefty service charge for canceling her seat assignment.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The defense’s response to the new juror, a real estate appraiser, has been favorable. Who better to give mitigating evidence more value than it’s worth?” (Mills)

* “Ito banned cellular phones and beepers. The sounds confused the jurors. Every time the beeper went off, they thought their fries were ready.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “There’s a new Johnnie Cochran message featured in Celebrity Wake-Up Service. It won’t get you out of bed; it only provides alibis when you are late to work.” (Jenny Church)

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While talking with family members, Encino reader Lee Carpe heard that attorney Robert Shapiro received a $1-million retainer for the O.J. trial. Carpe’s grandson Ian, in the throes of orthodontics, exclaimed:

“Who would pay a million dollars for a retainer?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.