A Vacationing Mom’s Work Is Never Done

Mention the word and it’s enough to make even the most energetic mom tired, the most reserved grandmother burst into hysterical giggles.

What word could possibly inspire such a strong response from mothers of all ages and economic strata around the country? “Vacation.”

We’re not talking about a lazing-on-the-beach, cool-drink-in-your-hand vacation that beckons from glossy magazine ads. We’re talking about a family vacation: that much-ballyhooed, inevitably-too-expensive trip that requires a harried mother to scour the house at midnight for matching socks and T-shirts without holes before she can even begin to make sure everyone is packed. The next day, though exhausted, she’ll gamely shepherd her brood to their destination, making sure everyone has everything they need en route.

But even when the family gets where they’re going and heads to the pool, beach or golf course, mom can’t relax: She’s the activities coordinator, trouble-shooter, banker and emergency medical care provider.

“What a mother does at home, she does on vacation. She’s in charge,” says Wellesley College sociology professor Rosanna Hertz, who studies motherhood and is also a mother herself.

“Dad may be more fun in the pool, but you rarely hear a dad saying ‘Put on sun screen!’ and mom is the one giving the baths after the day at the beach.”

Research shows that even when married women work outside the home, they still shoulder the bulk of parenting and nurturing responsibilities, Hertz said.

“It’s in our genes. We all feel so responsible for everyone’s happiness,” observes Denver pediatrician Marianne Neifert, a spokesman for the American Academy of Pediatrics who is known as “Dr. Mom,” for her practical parenting books (Signet, $5.95).

Every summer for the past 18 years, Neifert and her husband have packed up their five kids, assorted friends and piles of gear and headed off on a two-week camping trip. “They’d expect meals to just appear,” she said. “My whole day might revolve around getting ice.”

That’s not to say she didn’t have fun. She did “in 20 second intervals,” she said, laughing, adding that she made some of her most important life decisions on those trips as she watched the sun go down. The entire family, in fact, treasures those summer memories so much they don’t want to stop going even though they’re mostly grown now.

But no matter how wonderful the locale or the family time, relaxation isn’t usually a big part of the equation--for mom, anyway. Neifert’s advice for moms embarking on family vacations: “Remember it’s your vacation too and tell everyone in the family what you need to be happy.”

Maybe that’s getting a break from the kids for a few hours every day. “Vacation is a really good opportunity for dads to have time with their children and learn all of that stuff mothers know about who eats what and who wears what,” said Louise Lague, mother of two teen-age sons and author of “The Working Mom’s Book of Hints, Tips and Everyday Wisdom” (Peterson’s, $9.95).

Los Angeles actress Teddi Cole, the mother of a toddler, couldn’t agree more after many successful forays with her “incredibly helpful” husband and young daughter. “Strike a deal with dad before you go,” she said. “You’ve got to split the parenting or it’s not a vacation at all. But if you don’t want any parenting duty, don’t take the kids.”

Chicagoan Denise Mullica took a different tack. When she and her husband recently took their two preschoolers and infant to Hawaii on a combination business and pleasure trip, they brought along their favorite sitters, two teen-age sisters, to help (flying them on frequent-flier miles).

Mullica was able to relax by the pool, enjoy romantic dinners and even read a magazine while her hair dried. “I never can do that at home,” she said. “It was great.”

Detroit grandmother Rosalie Round went one better--and cheaper. “We went with two other families and took two college students to help all of us. Every day one mom and dad were on duty with the sitters so the other couples could go off and feel the kids were well cared for.” That trip was one of the best vacations they ever had, she said.

Today’s moms, Round said, have it so much easier with so many different activities and options available for vacationing families. “We had to make up everything ourselves.”

New York executive Susan Lunden is all in favor of organized children’s activities to ensure her own vacation sanity. Having plenty of kids around is key to her 5-year-old twins’ happiness and her own.

That’s especially important if you’re traveling solo with a child, as Hertz did recently to Jamaica. Sometimes, she said, willing hotel staff even would help her out, taking her 4-year-old flower picking so Hertz could finish a meal.

Just as important to Susan Lunden is maid and meal service. “I can’t cope with cooking or dishes on vacation,” she said.

That’s the way I feel about laundry. My advice: Bring enough clothes so there’s no need to worry about laundry or at the very least, look for a place that offers “wash and fold” service. It’s worth the extra money.

Then there’s Los Angeles mother Cathy Fireman’s idea: “A real vacation for a mom is away from the kids and maybe from husbands, too. Then you get to do exactly what you want to do.”

Taking the Kids appears weekly.