STATE OF MIND : Library of Commerce

Yo. Welcome to the Sylvester Stallone Public Library.” Don’t laugh. You just might hear a similar greeting if the L.A. City Council approves plans to allow the city ‘s libraries to be renamed for rich donors. A branch library--there’s 53 of them available--would go for $1 million; the seven regional sites for $2 million.

City officials say not just anyone can plunk down a mil or two and get a library named after them. Let’s hope not; otherwise we might see things like: * Quentin Tarantino City Library. The branch with the city’s strictest overdue fines. Bring a book back late here and you will be killed. Noisy patrons are told to “shut the %#& up!” * LaToya Jackson Psychic Library. This would actually be a new branch, perhaps the only library in the world with no physical building. Simply dial 1-900-WEIRDESTJACKSON, and a trained counselor librarian will beam you the exact book you need. * The Sizzler Central Library. Books have long nourished the mind. Here you’ll nourish your body as well, at the William Shakespeare All-You-Can-Eat Salad Bar, where the Macbeth Mushrooms are to die for. * The Kato Kaelin Library. The 250 couches here have a no-time-limit policy. Engrossed in “Moby Dick”? Why go home? The couch is yours, dude. And there’s plenty of bitchin’ fiction. Hang out. Party, Dig it. * The Century 21 Branch Library. YOu’ll have no trouble identifying the employees here; they’re all in snazzy yellow sports jackets. They’re highly motivated to steer you toward the book that’s right for you, and no wonder: They don’t get paid unless you read.