LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Lewd Grant: “MTA engineers think they spotted something at the bottom of the Hollywood sinkhole. Turned out it was just Hugh Grant’s career.” (Leslie Coogan)

* “Grant’s new film ‘Nine Months’ will be renamed ‘Six Months or $500.’ ” (Kim Wilczynski)

* “C’mon, he was on Sunset Boulevard, where it’s unlawful not to perform a lewd act.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Grant’s companion was Divine Brown, so it was an understandable mistake. He thought he was having a religious experience.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Just think of Grant as the Englishman who went up a boulevard and came down with a record.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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In the news: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on former White House press secretary Dee Dee Myer’s D.U.I. arrest: “She probably won’t secure a prominent role in President Clinton’s reelection campaign, but this pretty much seals her invitation to Ted Kennedy’s Fourth of July barbecue.”

Huntington Beach reader Tony Jasica, on rumors Disney may buy the Tampa Bay Buccaneers: “It plans a modification. The team name will be the Anaheim Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on hair and fiber experts talking about dark roots at the O.J. Simpson trial: “It seems like Leslie Abramson should be involved in this case.”

Healey, on “Today” anchor Katie Couric’s pregnancy: “She plans to split free time between her two kids. Each will get five minutes alone with her each week, including a cooking segment.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Judge Ito confiscating John Grisham’s novel, “The Rainmaker,” from two jurors: “He did so on grounds that it could be prejudicial. He later seized a copy of Newt Gingrich’s ‘1945’ on grounds that it’s just poorly written.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Michigan Gov. John Engler’s rejection of a plan for legalized gambling in Detroit: “He argued casinos often lead to crime, drug use, prostitution and concerts by Wayne Newton.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Roger Clinton spending the night in the White House’s Lincoln bedroom: “He insists Mary Todd Lincoln is still in there. Her ghost showed up while he was in the shower and begged him to stop singing. Said he could wake the dead.”

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Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that your camp counselor is nuts:

* “Has you make your own squirrel jerky.”

* “Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently.”

* “The only craft he teaches you is check forgery.”

* “Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines.”

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San Bernardino teacher Jane Montgomery read a story to her class about a bear who finds a house plagued with broken windows and doors, and filled with dilapidated furniture. After seeing the pictures in the storybook, one 4-year-old student said:

“Oh, it must have been a rental.”