NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

NO. TEAM (RECORD): Comment

1. Denver (8-1): Could take skiing vacation, come back and still be in first place.

2. Green Bay (7-2): On a roll until the Packers lose to Dallas, again.

3. San Francisco (8-1): Just a hunch, but about to be certified as frauds.

4. Minnesota (7-2): Green bucking for coach- and owner-of-the-year honors.

5. Jacksonville (6-3): If Jaguars ever get healthy, Broncos have competition.

6. Kansas City (7-2): Schottenheimer, who needs no excuse to run the ball, has one in Gannon.

7. Pittsburgh (6-3): Looking for a new home. If you lived in Pittsburgh, you would too.

8. New York Jets (6-3): If Parcells could win with Bledsoe, why not Foley?

9. Tampa Bay (6-3): Easy schedule still a stiff test for Dilfer.

10. New England (5-4): Players proved their point: They can’t win without Parcells.

11. New York Giants (6-3): Giants glue Brown to the bench--hope it’s Super Glue.

12. Seattle (5-4): Moon rejects offer to sign with Chargers. With age comes wisdom.

13. Carolina (5-4): Panthers agree to lend Fred Lane to any team playing the Raiders.

14. Washington (5-4): Senate considering bill to keep Gus Frerotte from passing.

15. Miami (5-4): Marino is really on his last leg now.

16. Buffalo (5-4): Imagine the thrill of sitting in the cold and watching your team not score.

17. Dallas (4-5): How can Switzer lose it if he never had it?

18. Tennessee (4-5): What entertainment options are there in Memphis?

19. Detroit (4-5): You know things are going badly. They haven’t been able to use Frank Reich.

20. Philadelphia (4-5): No more short jokes until Ty and Rodney grow up.

21. Baltimore (4-5): Davey Johnson’s available. Now if only he could play quarterback.

22. San Diego (4-5): Kids with A’s get free tickets. Kids with Ds would know better and not go.

23. Oakland (3-6): Look on the bright side, these guys aren’t defending our country.

24. Atlanta (2-7): Chandler makes it through a game. Body shipped immediately to Hall of Fame.

25. Cincinnati (2-7): They poured Gatorade over Coslet. One more win and they name city for him.

26. St. Louis (2-7): Who needs Peyton Manning when you have Tony Banks?

2(7. Arizona (2-7): Plummer takes Cardinals right down the drain.

28. New Orleans (2-7): Rather than wave a white flag, Ditka starts Shuler.

29. Chicago (1-8): Most irrelevant stats: Jeff Jaeger is 10 for 10 in field goals, 11 for 11 in PATs.

30. Indianapolis (0-9): Last weekend a foreign substance did them in, this weekend a UFO.