Section Gee! Advice, Humor, Comics, Horoscope, Kids : Off-Kilter : ROY RIVENBURG : Politicos of the Future Get Tough on Crime: Use a Deejay, Go to Jail

Back to the Future: As part of our ceaseless effort to bring you tomorrow’s news today, we recently sent our time-traveling journalist several weeks into the future aboard Caltech’s new sport-utility time machine (the one that didn’t roll over at warp speeds on Consumer Reports’ test track). He filed this story:

“Reacting to growing public support for stiff new gun-control laws, Republican presidential candidates are slowly abandoning their defense of the 2nd Amendment.

“For example, George W. Bush just announced he is increasingly worried about the proliferation of radio deejays who incorporate weapon names into their own names--such as KBIG-FM’s Machine Gun Kelly and KRTH’s Shotgun Kelly.

“Backpedaling from his once-adamant pro-NRA stance, Bush declared: ‘It’s time to recognize that guns don’t kill people, disc jockey names kill people.’

“The Texas governor called for a mandatory, five-day waiting period for any radio announcer thinking of changing his or her name to include a weapon. And he urged a total ban on more lethal forms of deejay nicknames, such as ‘Assault-Weapon Kelly’ or ‘Surface-to-Air-Missile Kelly.’

“Other Republican candidates have also jumped on the antigun bandwagon. Dan Quayle called for a nickname buy-back program that would pay cash to any deejay who voluntarily surrenders his weapon moniker. And Sen. John McCain suggested that G.I. Joe dolls be stripped of their guns and armed instead with tiny mops and feather dusters.”

Magnificat 1999: It was inevitable. The cover story about Jesus’ mother in the October issue of U.S. Catholic magazine is titled, “There’s Something About Mary.”

We’re Halfway There: The number of states that President Clinton has declared as disaster areas this year: 25.

Beach Blanket Bimbo Bureau: For those of you keeping score, during its 10 years on the air, “Baywatch” has used 5,000 swimsuits, 1,000 surfboards, 450 gallons of sunscreen and 3,000 pounds of body makeup, according to Wireless Flash News Service.

No word on how many pounds of silicone the show has gone through.

Non-Martha Stewart Living Bureau: The best way to cook a skunk is in a Crock-Pot, says Edelene Wood, a spokeswoman for the National Wild Foods Organization and an expert at preparing other outdoor recipes, such as chocolate-frosted earthworm cake.

On the Block: Things that have been put up for sale on eBay’s Internet auction site since the widely publicized kidney that drew a bid of $5.7 million include: several livers, three babies and “a barely used brain.” But still no sign of John Wayne Bobbitt’s infamous body part.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: In case you’ve been edgy about using bathrooms since last month’s Weekly World News exclusive “Haunted Toilet Claims Third Plumber in Eight Years,” we’re happy to report on the latest installment: “Priest Called In to Exorcise Toilet--After Lady Vanishes!”

The exorcism seemed to go well, but the priest recommended that no one visit the “toilet of terror” until he made sure the demonic entity was expelled because “if it’s still there, it’s going to be very, very angry.”

Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Wireless Flash News. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg @latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.