Old Days Were Filled With Some Old Prose

From the front page of the Los Angeles Times on November 23, 1908, after Barney Oldfield had set a world record of 55 seconds for the mile:

“Barney Oldfield’s attempt to commit suicide at Agricultural Park [now Exposition Park] yesterday only resulted in a compound fracture of the world’s automobile record.

“It would seem simpler and easier for him to hire someone to brain him with an ax than suffer this lingering destruction.

“It looked this way: a flash of white shirt down the back stretch, a dark streak on the horizon across the fields, a cloud of dust far up the track, and before you could lean over the rail to see, a rushing mighty wind swashing by under the wire and everybody beginning to shout. That is what it was like to see Barney Oldfield do a mile in 0.55.”

They don’t write ‘em like that any more.

Trivia time: Who is the only NFL player picked first in two drafts?

High praise: Atlanta Brave pitcher Greg Maddux, on slugging outfielder Vladimir Guerrero of the Montreal Expos: “I’m just as terrified of him now as I was when he came up. I feel a lot better about walking him now than I did when he came up, if that means anything.”

Fair warning: Steve Hummer of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, commenting on Serena Williams being followed by a stalker at Wimbledon:

“How silly it is to get worked up about some pitiful little man stalking Serena Williams. If he actually tried to approach her, by the time Serena and the rest of the family got through with the guy, there wouldn’t be enough left of him to mail to jail.”

Ouch! The New York Yankees, headed by Jason Giambi, have been on a home run hitting surge, prompting Matt Crossman to write in the Sporting News, “They’ve got more homers than the referees’ locker room at Laker games.”

What’s important? When Hall of Fame second baseman Bill Mazeroski broke into baseball, he was not much of a hitter, but a Pittsburgh Pirate official told a sportswriter, “Mazeroski is a clean-cut, churchgoing youngster who is a model for all teenagers.”

To which the writer replied, “That may be true, but the Pirates might be better off with a juvenile delinquent who can hit.”

The new world: There is no shame in not embracing soccer, says Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle.

“The reason our forefathers left England was to find livelier alternatives to warm beer, cricket, soccer and pub darts,” he wrote. “And we found ‘em: Cold beer, baseball, football and Shaq free throws.”

Trivia answer: Tony Boselli, by the Jacksonville Jaguars from USC in the college draft, then by the Houston Texans from Jacksonville in the expansion draft.

And finally: Gary Player, who won nine majors before embarking on the senior golf tour, couldn’t believe what he’d heard after Phil Mickelson said he was pleased to have had a good week when he finished second to Tiger Woods in the U.S. Open.

“Can you imagine being happy about finishing second?” Player said. “The only person who remembers if you finish second is your wife and dog. And that’s if you have a good wife and dog.”