Trusted psychic canines speak: It’s all Arnold

Now that the psychic dogs have spoken, it’s safe to cancel the recall election. In an effort to save California $66 million (and put an end to all the whining about “democracy run amok”), we’ve decided to announce the outcome now.

We phoned Jacqueline Stallone, matriarch of the “Rocky” brain trust, and got the official forecast from her clairvoyant canines, Rachel, Hannah and Friday. As you might recall, in July 2000, the miniature pinschers astounded the political world by correctly predicting that George W. Bush would defeat Al Gore by a razor-thin margin of “a couple hundred votes.”

Never mind that the prognosticating pooches also said prison inmates would soon be sent to Mars and guarded by robots. When it comes to politics, they’re golden. So, whom do they pick to win California’s recall roulette?

“Arnold Schwarzenegger, by a major margin,” said Mama Stallone, interpreting for the dogs, who speak no English. “If my dogs like him, he’s in.”

We also wondered whether Gov. Schwarzenegger might introduce legislation to officially change the pronunciation of California to his Austrian-accented “Collie-fornia.” But Stallone, a veteran astrologer who also practices the art of “rumpology” (which is similar to palmistry but uses the imprint of a person’s buttocks), said her dogs don’t answer silly questions. However, they were willing to predict that Kobe Bryant would go to the slammer.

The Teflon Terminator

Tired of trying to keep up with the glut of recall news articles? Then clip our handy News-o-matic story guide and read it daily until further notice. You won’t miss a thing:

* Schwarzenegger under fire from rival candidates for his (choose one) accent, acting ability, stance on Prop. 187, ownership of a Hummer, eerily white teeth, all of the above.

* Wacky unknown candidate says or does something wacky.

* Schwarzenegger makes public appearance, ducks questions from media.

* Teflon Terminator’s poll numbers continue to climb.

* Gray Davis, in futile bid to save job, switches from “fighting like a Bengal tiger” to fighting like a giant woodchuck, a fierce poodle, an amphetamine-crazed ferret, a Navy dolphin wired with explosives.

Quote of the day

“I have a better chance of winning the election than I do of purchasing a winning lottery ticket.”

-- candidate Ned F. Roscoe

Late-night blotter

From David Letterman’s Top 10 Schwarzenegger campaign promises:

7. Every freeway gets a dedicated car chase lane.

2. Raise the minimum age for dating Demi Moore.

1. Speak directly to the voters in clear, honest, broken English.