Honesty is the jest policy for pols

Tired of being blindsided by the scandalous behavior of public officials? You and me both.

When our own county sheriff and a New York governor and a former president -- all with law enforcement or legal backgrounds -- can’t stay out of trouble, you’ve got to wonder if anyone is beyond reproach. Has the Dalai Lama been fully vetted?

The point is, we can’t expect our public officials to be simon-pure. So, rather than be caught off guard when we discover their clay feet, wouldn’t it be better for all of us if we knew ahead of time about their foibles? Sort of a “buyer beware” for politics?

To get there, we all need to grow up a bit. Imagine a different kind of political landscape, where political hopefuls felt free to tell us everything we needed to know beforehand.

What we learned might not be pretty but, at least, no more nasty surprises.

Call me crazy, but I think it would reduce national stress levels.

How about a standard political application form, much like what a regular job applicant would submit -- but with some additional, crucial information? To verify accuracy, we’d need some kind of super-polygraph, but surely someone can take care of that detail.

For now, here’s my sample resume letter, along with the kind of answers we might get from a future candidate. Vote for him, and you’ll never be able to say you weren’t warned.

DOB: April 12, 1963

EDUCATION: B.A. UC Irvine cum laude, 1985; J.D., UCLA School of Law, 1988

WORK EXPERIENCE: Private law practice, 1988-present

AREAS OF EXPERTISE: Natural resources law, municipal finance

CIVIC INVOLVEMENT: Kiwanis Club, UCI Alumni Assn., PTA president (2005), Neighborhood Watch captain (2006-07)

FAMILY: Married (1990-present), three children

EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS: Jan O’Roarke, neighbor woman who lived in the cul-de-sac down the street, 1994-95; Heather (met in airport, last name unknown) 1998; Theresa Gadby (PTA vice president), 2005-06

PLAGIARISM: Lifted whole sections from “The Education of Henry Adams” while UCI undergraduate, 1982; incorporated thoughts gleaned from listening to Rush Limbaugh radio program for op-ed piece in USA Today, 1999

ASSOCIATIONS WITH CRACKPOTS: Casual acquaintance with woman who had 73 cats in her home, 1989-92; had pen pal relationship with embezzler sentenced to state prison, 1986-88 (she was innocent!)

DANGEROUS PRANKS: Encouraged law school roommate to dive off third-floor balcony into motor lodge swimming pool, 1987 (induced by excess drinking); left small kitten by the roadside, 1984; repeated same act with a different kitten, 1986

MOST UNUSUAL HABITS: Photographing people in their underwear and putting them on YouTube; tendency to blurt out epithets at inappropriate moments, such as church functions; telling people repeatedly of personal athletic achievements that were grossly exaggerated

RACIAL/ETHNIC HOSTILITIES: Unaware of any, but under cover of darkness have often scribbled hostile graffiti messages on sidewalks and on public buildings

SECRET FANTASIES: To have more than one family

I WISH I HADN’T: Been an inveterate shoplifter during my 20s

I WISH I DIDN’T: Have a problem with people over 6 feet tall

I’M GLAD I: Learned kick boxing for special occasions

REASONS FOR MY CANDIDACY: To make the world a better place

REFERENCES: Available upon request

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.