There’s no debate about it: Donald Trump erotica is here, and it’s huuuge.
The Republican presidential candidate who has a massive lead in the polls is also the star of “Trump Temptations: The Billionaire & The Bellboy,” a fictional gay-themed erotic novel written by 22-year-old Los Angeles comedian Elijah Daniel, who is, perhaps, trying to make America sexy again.
And it’s winning on Amazon. The book is ranked No. 1 in the “humorous erotica” and “gay erotica” categories despite Daniel’s warning in his author biography: “I’m a comedian and very bad author, of very awful things. You shouldn’t read anything I write.”
The novel finds the real estate magnate in a torrid affair with a hotel bellboy in Hong Kong. It was written, reports the Guardian, in just four hours. But that was long enough for Daniel to come up with lines like “the door creaked open and there he was, handsome as ever, like a giant melting fat carrot with fake hair.”
Daniel announced his plans for the novel on Twitter, writing, “i’m going to get drunk tonight and write an entire donald trump sex novel like 50 shades of grey & put it on amazon tomorrow i swear to god.”
He polled his audience to come up with the premise of the book, asking his readers how the protagonist should encounter the GOP front-runner. “As a hotel bell boy” beat out “a helicopter pilot” and “drunk in a casino.”
"[I]'m cringing while i write like this is the most disgusting thing i’ve ever written i called donald’s breasts supple in this book,” Daniel tweeted.
Cosmopolitan has some (warning: explicit) excerpts from Daniel’s book, including, “His voice wrapped around my body like queso around a smothered burrito,” and, “With his oily orange skin glistening in the sunlight as if he were a soggy cheeto, his hair unkept and messy, like a gorgeous rat’s nest. He was beautiful.” The magazine also notes that Daniel dedicated the book to alcohol and marijuana.
The Donald isn’t the only Republican candidate to inspire an erotic novel. Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas got the treatment in Lacey Noonan’s “A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes a Dickens of a Constitutional.”
“Trump Temptations” has 174 reviews on Amazon, the vast majority of which give the book five stars. “This has to be the single most impressive piece of writing in modern american literary history,” wrote one reader. “When I am on my death bed I will be reading this book and my family will say ‘Again?’ and I will say ‘Yes, now and forever’.”
Daniel tweeted that he’s hired a Trump impersonator to narrate an audiobook version of the novel. He might have been hoping for the real McCoy, but it wasn’t meant to be: Trump blocked Daniel on Twitter.