Ted Cruz stars in Christmas-themed erotic novel: Fan fiction, or a (dirty) joke?

Ted Cruz

Republican presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz, speaking in Georgia, is the focus of a Christmas-themed erotic novel.

(Nicholas Pilch / Getty Images)

The 2016 presidential race just got a whole lot sexier, and you have “A Gronking to Remember” author Lacey Noonan to thank for that.

Noonan, who’s made a (pen) name for herself writing bizarre erotic novels, has turned her sights on Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican currently leading Iowa caucus polls. The result is the recently released “A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes a Dickens of a Constitutional.”

The novel begins with Cruz announcing his retirement from politics, to the dismay of Republicans hoping he’d run for president. “So why won’t he run for president?” asks Noonan in a description of the book. “What’s his deal? Why’s he being such a Tedbenezer Scruz?”

The rest of the plot, much of which is too racy to detail here, involves the ghost of Karl Rove (although in real life, Rove, of course, is not dead) the “Bathroom Attendants of Constitutionality Past, Present and Future,” and, of course, lots of sex.


The Daily Beast has some (explicit) excerpts from the novel, including one featuring a bald eagle blessing “a soon-to-be previously gay man walking into a sexual re-orienting facility for treatment. His sin would drop away like the crust of a (homosexual) chrysalis.”

It’s hard to tell if the book is meant as fan fiction or as a critique of Cruz and his conservative policies.

But here’s a hint: Earlier this year, Noonan told Slate that writing kind of silly erotica comes naturally to her. “I’ve really been trying to write a ’50 Shades of Grey’ bodice-ripper this whole time, but I haven’t been able to,” she explained. “I just can’t bring myself to do it. The erotica genre is just so self-serious that I have to come at it at a funny angle.”

“A Cruzmas Carol” is the first political erotic novel from Noonan, but it’s not the only example of its genre. Amazon recommends other works to customers who view Noonan’s book, including Phoenix Debray’s “President Trump’s Gay Hairpiece and the Revenge of the Were-Water Buffalo” and D.M. Regis’ “The Light in Jeb’s Eyes.”


Noonan is best known for “A Gronking to Remember,” her erotic novel about New England Patriots tight end (no, seriously, that’s what he plays) Rob Gronkowski. Her other books include “Seduced by the Dad Bod” and “I Don’t Care if My Sasquatch Lover Says the World is Exploding, She’s Hot But I Play Bass and There’s Nothing Hotter Right Now Than Rap-Rock (...Because It’s the New Millennium).”

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