Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Tierra, the “villain” of this season of “The Bachelor,” cried so much this week that she melted into a puddle and drifted into the St. Croix ocean. But more on that later.
Yes, this week’s episode was set in the lovely Virgin Islands, cueing the portion of the “Bach” season where I actually consider auditioning for the show just for the free vacation. Sean flies into St. Croix on a tiny plane with -- gasp -- all six girls, explaining that he “wanted to break the rules” and travel with hot women instead of his usual pack of producers. You’re such a bad boy, Sean! You little rule-breaker, you.
“I wanna be in my swimsuit!” AshLee says, looking at the pristine water. (Poor girl hadn’t been able to wear a bikini in a whole three days.)
Inside their hotel suite, everyone is supposed to share a king bed. But Tierra isn’t about to cuddle with a lady friend. Instead, she rolls out a cot and puts it in the living room. In the words of the Olsen twins: How rude! The ladies are not pleased with Tierra’s decision, which is a bit baffling, because I’m not sure why they’re itching to sleep next to the girl they all hate.
“I want to roll-away her roll-away bed into the freaking ocean,” Lesley snarks. Good one, gurl!!!
AshLee gets the first one-on-one, and she lands the rolling-around-half-nake-in-the-sand date.
“I’m really seeing another side of AshLee on this date,” says earnest Sean, as the camera pans to a gratuitous shot of her stripping down into her beloved bikini.
Soon, the conversation leads to -- what else? -- Tierra. Sean asks AshLee her opinion on Tierra-able, and good ol’ Ash does not hold back.
“She isolates herself. It’s awkward,” AshLee explains. “Who you get is a completely different girl than who the house gets.”
Sean seems to heed AshLee’s warning, though he appears more bothered when she makes a big reveal later in the date: She got married at age 17. I guess she didn’t get along with her parents and sort of got married at age 17 as an act of rebellion. She wed her high school sweetheart as a junior, but the pair were already divorced by the time she finished her senior year.
Though Sean tries to play the confession off, saying he thought AshLee was going to reveal something “terrible,” it did look like something in him snapped when she made the reveal. Not sure why the news should have been a big deal, though, as he competed for the affection of a woman who had been engaged before on the last season of “The Bachelorette.”
Did AshLee start grinding anyone else’s nerves this week? She’s annoying, dude. You don’t stand up and yell “Hello, St. Croix!!!!!” into the dark in the middle of your dinner date. I also would not have selected that midriff top as an outfit choice. Or told Sean I loved him over and over again after spending like, 72 total hours with him. But hey, just me.
Time for Tierra! She gets the “cultural” mingling-with-island-locals date, a.k.a. the date where you eat snow cones and buy touristy shell necklaces. Tierra heads into the one-on-one with a bad attitude. She’s not looking forward to “being attacked by bugs” and “the sweatiness” and her “makeup dripping off.”
“That’s not fun or cool,” she states. You’re right. Let’s repeat the polar bear plunge date, where you ended up with an oxygen tube up your nostrils.
But the date ends up being very and cool, as Sean buys Tierra “the most incredible things any guy could buy me on a first date.” A $3 shell necklace on a string and a fake silver eternity bracelet which means “love is forever.” Tierra really gets it all.
The chick is clearly enjoying herself, as she starts dancing with locals in a parade that has very obviously been set up for the show. Sean finds himself enjoying Tierra, and concludes that he took AshLee’s warning too much to heart.
“I have come to the conclusion that she’s probably not nice to the other women,” he says. “But ultimately, at the end of this week, she doesn’t have to be with the other women, anyway.”
You’re right, Sean. And after the show is over, why don’t you two just avoid the female gender for the rest of eternity? No prob there.
Next up, two of my favorite ladies got dates, Catherine and Dez. Lindsay was also there.
The quartet did a “road trip” date across St. Croix which kicked off at sunrise. The group stopped at various tourist sites, which was incredibly boring to watch, and finished the date watching the sun set on the other side of the island.
Catherine reveals that her dad has battled depression since she was a girl and attempted suicide when she was just 14. He now lives in China, and won’t be at a hometown date. Dez, meanwhile, starts crying when she talks about her family because they mean so much to her. But Sean will not be fooled by a sob story this week! He gives the rose to Linsday, for no other reason I could see than that he likes to kiss her, because she is dumb as rocks and wore a wedding dress when she showed up at the mansion. A wedding dress, people. And got bombed wearing it, no less.
Lesley gets the final date, and it starts off on a bad note as Sean says their relationship isn’t where it needs to be.
“She can’t even make eye contact with me, and I think it’s cute in some respects, but in others, I think we need to start moving past that a little bit,” he explains. I would agree, sir.
I don’t really remember what they did, but basically it was a lot of Lesley seeming more into Sean than he was into her and, well, we all know where this is going.
After spending time with all of the ladies, Sean’s sister Shay pops up on St. Croix to help him decide who to kick to the curb. Because he’s leery of Tierra’s poor relationship with the other women, he decides to retrieve her from the hotel to introduce her to Shay and get his sibling’s opinion on her.
Cut to the most amazing “Bach” editing of all time. Back in the suite, Tierra is confronting AshLee about “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean by telling him that she sucks. AshLee thinks it’s rude that Tierra doesn’t say “good morning” to everyone each day. And Tierra, 24, thinks 32-year-old AshLee is an old cougar who should be married with kids already. AshLee thinks Tierra’s raised eyebrow is really ugly and weird. Tierra says she cannot control her eyebrow.
“When I came here, my family told me, ‘Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let them take that sparkle away,’” Tierra says before storming off into the other room. Shine bright like a diamond, gurl.
Oh, hey Sean! You’re here to see Tierra? She’s just in the other room bawling her eyes out for the 50th time this season. No biggie. This isn’t going to be awkward at all.
“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this,” Sean says upon discovering Tierra in shambles. Clearly realizing this woman is rarely in control of her emotions, Sean has a moment of clarity and walks outside to think. Should he send her home? She does cry a lot. And seems to be accident-prone. No one in the house likes her at all. But she does look like Jamie Lynn Spears!
Alas, that is not enough. Sean decides to send Tierra and her big ol’ heart home, trying to act like a martyr for sending her home because this process was just too “emotionally taxing” for her. Dude, you didn’t want to date a mess like that. Just say it.
“Do you feel like saying bye to the girls?” he asks. EYE ROLL.
At the rose ceremony, the writing is also on the wall for Lesley. Weirdly, though, Catherine seems to take the news worse than Lesley.
“If he doesn’t want Lesley then I don’t know why I’m here,” she says. “She has more in common with him than I do. I didn’t want to say that, but that’s truly what I believe. My beliefs are shattered about what he wants.”
Um, maybe you?
For the Record, 12:30 p.m. Jan. 14: An earlier version of this post said that on the last season of "The Bachelorette," Sean Lowe competed for the affection of a woman who had previously been married. In fact, he competed for the affection of a woman who had been previously engaged.