I'm going to attempt to write a recap of Monday's episode of "The Bachelorette," but I can't promise it's going to be particularly coherent because "Right Reasons" is, unfortunately, replaying nonstop in my head.
Yes, "Right Reasons," that kitschy "rap" song featuring Des, 14 of her suitors and Soulja Boy that went viral last week.
In what I'm sure will go down as the lowest point in his career, Soulja Boy -- best known for his hit single "Crank That" -- agreed to appear on the show to help serve as a "mentor" during a music video shoot.
His coaching, no surprise, proved invaluable to the men.
“You gotta get into it more, man,” he told one dude.
“Yo, you gotta get more into it,” went his words of advice to another.
The men were excited to see the rap star: Mikey even broke into the “Superman that ho” dance upon his arrival. I ran away from my television screaming, but returned in time to learn the mostly very, very white men would each be tasked with freestyling a few lines for the video.
“I am the luckiest girl right now,” Des exclaimed. “I have the hottest group of guys. They all have great personalities. It’s nice to see that looks and personalities can combine.”
Des! I was thinking the same thing. Like when Brandon, forced to wear some type of skimpy briefs for his video role, said he was ready to “jiggle [his] junk in [your] vicinity?” That’s the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has a way with words, and a really great personality.
We learned more about good ol’ Brandon later on in the evening, when the focus shifted from bad rapping to binge drinking. He pulled Des aside for a light, introductory convo during which he shared that his father left his family when he was just 6 and had to raise his siblings because his mother was a drug addict.
Des responded well to the tale of his tragic upbringing, saying he seemed like the guy in the house she’d want to turn to if she was having a bad day.
I personally was more charmed by Zak -- yes, the loser who turned up shirtless last week. (I’m ashamed of myself, don’t worry.) Before arriving on the show, he apparently visited an antique shop, where he discovered an old journal that had never been written in. Well, except for an inscription from a father to his daughter, encouraging her to use the journal to get out her feelings. And now, Zak said, he hoped Des would do the same. Vaguely creepy? But at least it's better than the standard poorly made scrapbook.
Meanwhile, the men in the house had decided to inexplicably gang up on Ben, deciding he wasn’t on the show for the “right reasons”!
While I do think he’s totally gag-worthy, in typical “Bachelorette” fashion, there was little to no explanation of why viewers should hate Ben before we were told to start hating him. Mikey told Ben he thought he was nice when the cameras were rolling, but disingenuous when they weren’t. Michael was upset with Ben because he barged in during a one-on-one moment with Des during which Michael was revealing he has Type 1 diabetes. And Ben already had a rose! Hello, dude. You’re supposed to let each man get his sob story out sans interruption. House rules.
Other dudes to fare well with Des included Brooks and Bryden, who were both selected to go on the week’s one-on-one dates. Brooks was up first, and he got the regurgitated date: First, he and Des awkwardly tried on tuxes and wedding gowns at a bridal shop. Uh, Ashley’s season much? Then they wore said duds to the Hollywood sign. Yep, an Ali season replay. Up next was dinner on one of those seedy downtown L.A. bridges featured on almost every reality show and were treated to a concert by a musician trying to promote his new single. Yeah: every season ever. Don’t play me like this, producers. I know there are Bach standards to uphold, but the lack of originality so far this season is really turning me off.
Anyway, Brooks is fine. I like his long hair and his bad dancing. But he’s very earnest, and actually said “strap on your seat belts, it’s gonna be an awesome ride” as he referred to his future with Des. Let’s leave the cheesy promotional tag lines to Chris Harrison, shall we?
On the date with Bryden, meanwhile, Des got behind the wheel of her Bentley and the two took a mini-road trip up the California coast. They stopped at a beach, where Des proved inept at flying a kite. They stopped at an orange grove, where Bryden admitted he doesn’t know what brie cheese is. And they closed out the evening at a fancy hotel for dinner, dining outside under a string of lights.
“There’s just something peaceful about this,” Des mused.
Bryden, clearly eager to to disrupt the calm, promptly decided to tell his life story. Not only is he an Iraq war veteran, folks, but he once nearly died in a terrible car accident. Oh, what’s that? You want to see just how bad it was, Des? No worries. Because Bryden happens to carry photographs of his gnarly injuries and his wrecked car in the pocket of his jacket. Not weird at all!
The imagery of 100 staples in Bryden’s skull did something for Des, though, because when the two got in the hot tub she was like, “just kiss me already,” you wimp. He did, because he owed her for teaching him about brie. Then she gave him and his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad bangs a rose.
But she didn’t give one to sign-spinner Robert at the rose ceremony. So I don’t know what life is about anymore.