Media banned -- banned I say! -- from today’s Dodgers workout

Shhh, it’s me up in the foothills behind Dodger Stadium. In the trees, reliving my days watching Neil Diamond at the Greek.

The view’s not great, but what’s an intrepid reporter to do? See, the Dodgers have banned the media from Wednesday’s workout. Clearly they are working on super double-secret stuff that only Dean Wormer could appreciate.

I can’t remember a baseball team ever closing practice to the media. Maybe it’s happened, but can’t remember one. Football and basketball, but not baseball. They run plays in football and basketball, develop game plans.

What are the Dodgers working on? A new hidden ball trick? How to teleport A.J. Ellis from first to third? Clayton Kershaw’s new plan to throw right-handed?

“We wanted to be able to relax, as much as anything,” Manager Don Mattingly said. “There’s no reason for you guys to be here every day, talking about the same things.”

I’m insulted at the suggestion I can’t think of amazingly new, original questions. Just because Tuesday’s questions sounded a lot like those from the last several days is no reason to suggest what a good night’s sleep can do. It wasn’t until just this moment I thought to ask Brian Wilson if he was more of a Leonard Cohen or Sam Smith kinda guy.

Last week Mattingly kidded that the media were a necessary evil. Anyway, I think he was kidding. Right now I want to go back and look at the tape.

“You are, and that’s why you’re here [Tuesday] and can come Thursday,” he said.

Just not Wednesday, when the Dodgers are installing their new high-post offense. Either that or one of these enormous black ants just walked across my binoculars in odd fashion.

Something is not really necessary when someone else can completely dictate the terms of its involvement, and that smells like bad precedent. Although I am hovering on this tree branch above a dog trail.

The Dodgers have a simulated game scheduled today and Hyun-Jin Ryu is set to throw approximately 45 pitches to test his sore shoulder. If he comes out of it OK, it will determine whether he can start Game 3 of the Dodgers’ division series against the Cardinals.

Not sure what the Dodgers could be worried about here. Whether Ryu starts or the Dodgers move up Dan Haren, doubt it’s going to have much effect on who the Cardinals choose to be the 25^th man on their roster.

Other pitchers can pitch Wednesday if they like. Players can hit if they like. I’d love to tell you who that was hitting right now, but from here Matt Kemp looks a lot like Darwin Barney.

“We have some things we want to do [at practice] and we just don’t want to be dealing with people all over the place, as far as bunt plays, picks, different things,” Mattingly said. “There’s no reason for everybody being here. It’s confusing enough with people enough all over the field, and then it just makes it more …”

More what? More like the environment they’re actually going to have to deal with during the postseason?

Thursday the suffocating media will be allowed to return to Faber College, er, Dodger Stadium. Fear not, I will be there, shiny new questions in hand and fresh spider bites on the ankles.