Mom can’t help him out of Salt Lake City
From Salt Lake City -- It’s Mother’s Day, and I’m not happy with my own.
She’s dead. Has been for 36 years.
Maybe if she’d known I’d have to spend time in Salt Lake City one day and really need her, she’d still be alive — the Lakers here in the most miserable place on Earth, and I can’t use the excuse I need to be home with her for Mother’s Day.
I told my wife I’d stay home if she insisted, even winking, and she said, “I’m not your mother,” while asking, “you got something in your eye?”
I’d take a week in Nebraska right now.
The people of Salt Lake City, and if you’ve spent any time around them you’d be surprised to learn many of them have mothers, are so frightening.
According to a Harvard professor’s study, Utah ranks No. 1 nationally in buying online pornography, everyone in this arena obviously frustrated and angry to be away from their computers — taking it out on the Lakers.
It’s not the noise. I’m used to that sitting next to Plaschke. No, it’s what you might expect if they had an annual convention for serial killers.
“Angry people, angry place will greet Lakers…” read the Saturday headline in the Salt Lake Tribune, columnist Gordon Monson writing about his own home folk, “If you’re a Laker, they really do want you to die. OK, maybe not completely die, just mostly die. They hate your guts.”
I think I hear my mommy calling.
So how would these Lakers, who will have to win away from home against Cleveland or Orlando to win it all, hold up against the angry mob?
Like champions.
OK, so I’m not including Andrew Bynum, the youngest of all the Lakers and overwhelmed by such hostility, 0 for 1 for the night, his only shot blocked by Kyrylo Fesenko, the Charlie Haeger of the NBA.
But that only makes this victory more impressive, the Lakers overcoming a deficit, Bynum taking the night off, an angry atmosphere and a desperate opponent, getting huge contributions from Ron Artest and Derek Fisher to support Kobe Bryant, and steal a win.
This series is over, and like a football player toughening his body in training camp, the Lakers took a huge step in preparing themselves for bigger, tougher challenges in the weeks to come.
Who knows how many games they might have to play without Bynum, given his undependable knee.
As for Jazz fans, it looks as if they’re going to have all the time they want with their computers.
BEFORE THE game, I asked Phil Jackson whether these were the “angriest, meanest most rotten people in all of sports.”
“Did you read Zane Grey when you grew up?” Jackson said.
“No, I never did.”
“Grow up, or read Zane Grey?” interjected John Black, and even the Lakers’ PR guy turned mean just because he’s here.
“Great shot,” said Jackson in rewarding Black for his jab, before suggesting I read, “Riders of the Purple Sage” if I wanted to learn about Utah hospitality.
I checked out the book, “towards the end of the story,” according to a synopsis, “the four main characters realize they can no longer safely stay in Utah.”
Tuesday morning’s departure won’t come soon enough.
WENT TO Dodger Stadium on Friday night, anything to avoid coming here until absolutely necessary, and to remind Matt Kemp most budding superstars don’t curl up into a ball when criticized by a team official.
Ever since GM Ned Colletti singled out Kemp in a radio tirade rather than the team’s starting pitchers, Kemp had not driven in a run in something like 13 or 14 games.
“I talked to my mom today and she said I was great,” Kemp said, and I’ll betcha George Sherrill’s mother is telling him the same thing.
I told Kemp he’s not so good, Colletti obviously rattling him, and said it was time to produce. So he went out and tripled to drive in the Dodgers’ winning run. It’s just what I do.
RAN INTO Manny Ramirez, too.
When he saw me, he grabbed his crotch.
“Very classy,” I said, although ever since taking female fertility drugs, he probably likes to remind himself he’s still the same guy he used to be.
IT WAS shocking to see how empty Dodger Stadium appeared to be for a Friday night game against the Colorado Rockies, who are favored to win the West.
Even the owner’s — or is that owners’ box? — seemed emptier than usual.
THAT REMINDS me, up until now, I wasn’t expecting to see Jamie McCourt at Dodger Stadium, because like so many others she probably couldn’t afford tickets.
But now that she’s going to get $637,159 a month, I expect she will be there for every game, re-enforcing her claim she’s really co-owner of the team.
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