Who Needs Heroes of Substance?

The quiz for today is “So You Think You Know Sports?” Any number can play. Grading is on a curve, so if you don’t know the answer, go on to the next one. Or just tear it up. Ready?

Question: When is a drug addict not a drug addict?

Answer: When he can bat .350, win 20 games, catch touchdown passes or slam dunk from the top of the key.

Q: What is he then?

A: A poor, misunderstood kid, a victim of society, or a guy who is just trying to mask the pain in his life.

Q: What pain?

A: Somebody stole the stereo out of his Mercedes.

Q: Why then do they take drugs?

A: Because it feels good, stupid. Why do you eat cake?

Q: And it’s not to mask the pain?

A: Well, eventually, it is. The pain caused by taking drugs in the first place.

Q: But one guy said he had insomnia?

A: Right. He had trouble sleeping during the games.

Q: But he was justified in seeking relief?

A: Oh, sure. That’s why he went to Mexico. To get 3,000 sleeping pills. Rip Van Winkle didn’t need that many. Three thousand pills is not a prescription, it’s an addiction.

Q: But maybe his own doctor didn’t believe him.

A: That makes two of us.

Q: How soon does drug addiction affect performance?

A: Not soon enough. Sometimes not till the guy dies.

Q: Is compulsory testing a solution?

A: No.

Q: Why?

A: Because it’s un-Constitutional.

Q: But baseball is already outside large parts of the Constitution. Should we make it a law?

A: I’d rather you’d make it a law that we could test airline pilots, municipal or transcontinental bus drivers, surgeons and dentists, if it’s all the same to you.

Q: But aren’t athletes role models?

A: They’re not my role models, thank you. No, I don’t think it matters all that much to the republic if the left fielder is loaded with cocaine. It should matter to the team--and the left fielder. It shouldn’t matter to the rest of society. It would do us more good to get potential burglars or murderers taken off the stuff than ballplayers. The Manson gang is the one we should have been able to test, not the Kansas City outfield. At a great saving of life.

Q: Why have drugs become so prevalent on the sports scene?

A: Drugs have always been prevalent on the sports scene. Haven’t you read the life and times of Babe Ruth? Grover Cleveland Alexander? Their drug of choice was rye whiskey. And it was as illegal as marijuana. They had pushers in the locker rooms in those days, too. They called them bootleggers.

Q: Are you equating hard drugs with alcohol?

A: Well, they both cause an awful lot of human debris.

Q: But didn’t even Dr. Freud use cocaine?

A: I rest my case.

Q: But baseball is big enough to give these people second chances?

A: Baseball will give them 9th and 10th chances if they can get people out. Baseball is not in the business of rehabilitation. Baseball is in the business of winning pennants. Making money.

Baseball let Grover Alexander pitch for 20 years because he won 373 games. Baseball didn’t care that he died a pauper’s death. If you can believe the lore, the great Paul Waner played for 20 years with a hip flask. And when Hack Wilson hit 56 homers and drove in 190 runs, nobody cared that he drank. It was when he slumped to .261 that they began smelling his breath and noticing that he struck out a lot.

Wasn’t it Abraham Lincoln himself who said of General Grant, “Find out what he’s drinking and give it to the rest of my generals”? No one cares what you do so long as you win.

Q: But surely, no one in authority will condone drug abuse on a team?

A: Weren’t you listening? They already have . Didn’t you hear what basketball Coach Lefty Driesell said on the subject? He admitted that drug use can enhance performance in the short term. And what are athletics interested in but the short term? It’s not like you’re marrying these guys. You’re just hiring them.

Q: Why do these guys cheat themselves then?

A: Drugs must get very good word of mouth. I never saw a TV spot or newspaper ad for cocaine, or heard a movie star recommend it 2 to 1 over any competing analgesic or pain killer but it’s sure on a lot of dining-room tables. And in locker rooms.

Q: What’s to be done?

A: How should I know? The commissioner of baseball doesn’t know. The commissioner of football doesn’t know. The Pope doesn’t know.

I know one thing: Making heroes out of users doesn’t seem to help the problem. People get off on forgiveness. Makes them feel good. Compassion is in oversupply.

I mean, these guys are not concentration camp guards. But do we have to give them standing ovations?

I suppose we’re lucky at that. At least, they’re making all these millions a year, all the money they need. At least, they don’t have to go around hitting the rest of us over the head to get their drug money.