Nothing Like It to Draw : Fans Out of Their Shells

And now, new this fall on CBS, another episode of “Ted & Jane & Jimmy & Ros.” On tonight’s show, Ted and Jane and Jimmy and Ros go to a World Series baseball game.

Jimmy: “Hey! Hey, peanut man!”

Ted: “Don’t you ever get tired of peanuts?”

Jimmy: “No. Peanuts made my hometown what it is.”

Ted: “What is it?”

(Canned laughter.)

Ros: “A town full of nuts.”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “They’re bad for you, you know.”

Jimmy: “What is?”

Jane: “Peanuts. Too much salt. Too much oil.”

Ros: “He never takes care of himself anymore.”

Jimmy: “But these are roasted!”

Jane: “Bad, bad, bad.”

Ros: “He used to play softball and keep in shape.”

Jane: “Give me 30 minutes with him. I’ll get him in shape.”

Ted: “Don’t you still do construction work? Don’t you build houses?”

Jimmy: “So?”

Ted: “So, come on over. Jane and I are having trouble with our satellite dish.”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “Yeah. We just hate not being able to watch TBS. We missed 20 Andy Griffith shows last week alone.”

(Laughter.)

Ros: “Oh, look, Jimmy! A whatchamacallit.”

Jimmy: “A home run.”

Ros: “I can never remember what you call those thigamajigs.”

Ted: “Whatchamacallit is our Olympic mascot.”

Jimmy: “Let’s do the chop.”

Jane: “No.”

Jimmy: “Oh, come on, Jane. It’ll be good exercise.”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “No.”

Ted: “Oh, Janey. Are you off on that nonsense again?”

Jimmy: “Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

Ros: “Look, Jimmy! It looks just like the ‘Last of the Mohicans.’ ”

Jimmy: “Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

Jane: “Stop that.”

Ted: “It’s just a harmless chant, Jane.”

Jane: “It insults Native Americans.”

Jimmy: “Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

Jane: “Ros, can’t you do something?”

Ros: “OK. Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “I mean something to stop him!”

Ted: “Now, Janey.”

Jane: “How would you three like it if Toronto fans came dressed as hillbillies drinking moonshine and acted like they represented people from Georgia?”

Jimmy: “That’s preposterous.”

Ted: “ ‘Braves’ is a flattering term.”

Jane: “Is it, Ted? Let’s go poll the African-American players on your team. Let’s go ask them how they would feel if your team was called the Atlanta African Warriors.”

Ted: “Aw, come on.”

Jane: “I’m serious. Let’s see how your players would feel about all the fans pretending to throw spears.”

Ted: “Janey, why don’t you grab a little nap?”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “What?”

Ted: “Right here, hon. Put your head on my shoulder.”

Ros: “Oh, look! One of those base-hit things!”

Jimmy: “Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

Ted: “Gimme five, Jimmy jive!”

(They slap hands.)

Ted: “What inning is it?”

Jane: “Sixth. Why?”

Ted: “You know. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow.”

Jane: “You do?”

Ted: “Yeah. We’re doing that deal for TNT to do that Lewis Grizzard movie.”

Jane: “Oh, no. You didn’t buy the rights to one of those stupid Lewis Grizzard books.”

Jimmy: “Which one?”

Ted: “I think the title’s something like: ‘Don’t Bend Over, Granny, Them Taters Got Eyes.’ ”

Jane: “Oh, brother.”

Ted: “Now, what?”

Jane: “There’s someone who doesn’t mind insulting Indians, but wouldn’t want anybody insulting Southerners.”

Jimmy: “Lewis is just a good old Braves fan. Like me. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

Jane: “Sure. Lewis is a great supporter of minorities. When Lewis was working as a newspaper sports editor, ask him what he did with the first two black sportswriters who worked for him.”

Ted: “What’d he do?”

Jane: “Fired them.”

Ted: “Oh, where’d you read that?”

Jane: “In one of Lewis’ books.”

(Laughter.)

Ros: “Are you all going up to Canada?”

Ted: “Yeah. I’m trying to buy it.”

(Laughter.)

Jimmy: “Didn’t you once try to buy CBS?”

Ted: “Yes.”

Ros: “I wish you’d buy it and fire that danged Tim McCarver.”

Ted: “Why?”

Ros: “He criticized Deion what’s-his-name.”

Ted: “That’s just his job, Ros. That’s what people do on TV. They talk.”

Jimmy: “Usually to Larry King.”

(Laughter.)

Jane: “Come to think of it, I think I will take a nap.”

Ted: “Good. Me, too.”

Jane: “I was up all night, exercising.”

Ted: “Me, too.”

Ros: “Look! Another thing for the Braves!”

Jimmy: “Hey-uh-uh-uh! Hey-uh-uh-uh!”

Ted: “Shhh. Keep it down. We’re trying to sleep.”