Neither Fresh Nor Innovative, Outfoxed CBS Won’t Be Missed

Some people who waste their Sunday mornings watching football must be pretty upset by the announcement that, beginning in 1994, the Fox television network will be responsible for the broadcasting of National Football Conference games and, more to the point, CBS won’t.

Doesn’t bother me a bit.

In fact, I’m very pleased.

Fox is a new network with new ideas. The last new idea CBS had was to baste John Madden’s turkey.

Fox is also a fairly radical network. I suppose the pessimists among you are envisioning a Fox football telecast that includes something along the lines of: “Any use or transcription of this telecast without the expressed permission of Bart Simpson is strictly prohibited.”

Relax. Fox will treat the NFL with dignity, or at least as much dignity as a TV network can treat any sport where the spectators come dressed as though they are auditioning for Monty Hall.

I know, I know, CBS is the Tiffany’s of television networks. Whereas Fox, I guess, is the Frederick’s of Hollywood. All I can tell you, as an average American football fan, is that I don’t shop at Tiffany’s all that much.

CBS has been boring the heck out of people for several decades. They hire the most boring sportscasters and make them wear the most boring blazers. The single reason I personally have rejected every overture from CBS Sports is the sexual discrimination involved in forcing men to wear that miserable Hi, I’m From CBS blazer while women don’t.

In that vein, let us not forget that CBS is the network that brought us Phyllis George and Jayne Kennedy, two people whose knowledge of the National Football League ranked right up there with Winston Churchill’s.

Phyllis went on to a fine career peddling frozen chickens, and Jayne can be seen nightly crying her eyes out on a TV commercial in which she gets some really astounding insight from her personal psychic.

The only good move CBS has made in this segment of the millennium was to employ Lesley Visser, who knows more about football than 90% of the guys in the huddle. Unfortunately, the experts from CBS usually force Visser to roam the sidelines looking for people whose knees are being taped, while Terry Bradshaw gets to sit inside a warm studio and go hee-haw, hee-haw.

Visser, by the way, is one of the 93 former and current sportswriters from the Boston Globe currently seen on TV. The Globe newspaper is second only to Robert Urich in getting new television opportunities each fall.

CBS’ somnambulant sportscasters have been doing the same bits over and over, season after season. These include:

--”I had a chance to speak with (fill in blank) before the game and he told me: (a) this is the best he’s felt in weeks; (b) he really likes the chemistry of this team; (c) he’s feeling about 70%; (d) he’s feeling about 80%; (e) he’d like us to say hello to his mother-in-law out there in (fill in town) or (f) he’s feeling about 89%.”

--”Keep an eye on this young man because: (a) he’s got a chance to be a player in this league; (b) he’s been improving week by week; (c) once he gets some (fill in blank) under his belt, he’ll really be something; (d) he can run the 40 in 4.4 seconds; (e) he can run the 40 in 4 seconds flat; (f) he can run the 40 in 4.4 in high heels and in 4 flat in flats.”

--”Welcome to: (a) Chicago, the ‘Windy City,’ where it sure is windy today, I’ll tell ya; (b) Washington, the ‘Nation’s Capital,’ where the Redskins certainly do hope to capital-ize on . . . (sidekick smiles here); (c) Detroit, the ‘Motor City,’ where the Lions haven’t been hitting on all cylinders lately, I’ll tell ya; (d) San Francisco, the ‘City by the Bay,’ where the 49ers hope they haven’t left their hearts, I’ll tell ya.’ ”

--”Hello, everybody, I’m: (a) Verne Lundquist, along with my partner, (fill in blank), ready for what should be an outstanding day of football; (b) Pat Summerall, along with my partner, (John Madden), ready for what should be an outstanding day of football; (c) Tim Ryan, along with my partner, (fill in blank), ready for what should be an outstanding day of football; (d) (fill in blank), along with my partner, (fill in blank), ready for what should be an outstanding day of football, and (partner’s name), I’ll tell ya, this should be some kinda game.”

Next day, they get to read back what they said in Rudy Martzke’s column in USA Today.

(“Best line: ‘This should be some kinda game,’ James Brown, CBS.”)

I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard enough CBS to last me a lifetime.

Let’s see what Fox can do.

Could it do any worse? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Fox will hire qualified people away from CBS. Maybe it will hire away Pat O’Brien. Then again, maybe it will hire that woman who stars in “The Nanny.” She has all the qualifications of Phyllis George, and such charming diction, too. I’ll have to check to see if she’s ever worked for the Boston Globe.

What will Fox’s model be? It could be ABC, the network that begins football telecasts with music videos and ends them with Dan Dierdorf finishing every sentence begun by Al Michaels or Frank Gifford. Or it could be NBC, the network that hires the nastiest football coach in America as an analyst so he can sit there on Sundays and say: “Yes, that Emmitt Smith is a very fine football player, isn’t he?” Thanks, Coach Ditka, and now back to Dick Enberg and Bob Trumpy. Dick?

Hooray for Fox, whatever it chooses to do. I don’t much care if its football booth is occupied by Bud Bundy, Homer Simpson and Homey the Clown, as long as they update us with the score and the clock once in a while.

No NFC games on CBS? Good. Give David Letterman more money and stop squandering it on, oh, you know, Tampa Bay.