The Short Answer: Just Buy Him Bermudas

Dear Fashion Police: My dear husband has great legs! I have searched high and low to find good short shorts in corduroy or denim--classy ones--in white, gray or light blue. I’d like them with a 3-inch (or less) inseam.

It seems that most all shorts are walking shorts, with a 6- to 9-inch inseam. Women can find short shorts easily. It’s not fair!

--SHORT SHORTLESS IN SEATTLE

Dear Shorty: We are happy that you’re so fond of your husband’s legs you want to see them in short shorts.

Here’s our opinion on that: Yikes.

We would be an accessory to a crime if we even hinted at where you could find such disturbing items. Even if we knew where they were sold--which we don’t--we sure wouldn’t tell you. And corduroy? What are you thinking?

The idea of a man wearing short shorts, great gams and all, makes our eyes roll back in our head. We’re not even fond of them on very fit women.

So buy him some Bermudas--long ones--and save the rest of his legs for a private viewing.

Dear Fashion Police: Is there any rule about wearing a low-cut dress or a strapless dress and not wearing a necklace with it? To me it looks more complete with a necklace, and not so bare.

--QUESTIONING THE STATUTES

Dear Question: No, no rule exists about wearing a necklace with a strapless or low-cut dress, but we can offer some guidelines.

It really depends on the dress, your neck and your personal taste. A simple sheath dress in a smooth fabric with little or no embellishment might need a necklace to perk it up a bit. An elaborate ball gown with extensive beading on the bodice might look too fussy and ostentatious with one.

Try on the dress with a variety of necklaces and chokers to see what looks best. Sometimes earrings alone will do the trick, especially if they’re long drops. And although this may sound obvious, if you don’t care for the way your neck looks, a necklace will just draw attention to it. Wear small earrings or hair ornaments instead.

Whatever jewelry you choose, it should be in the same style of the dress. A Deco-inspired gown, for instance, shouldn’t be

paired with a Victorian pearl collar.

Dear Fashion Police: I recently wore a cream-colored dress to a friend’s wedding, and a bridesmaid told me this was inappropriate. I know that white is for the bride and that guests should refrain from wearing it, but does this mean that creams, pale pastels and other off-white colors are out too?

--SUFFERING FROM

WEDDING GUEST BLUES

Dear Guest: The entire realm of white to medium beige should be avoided, just to be on the safe side. That includes off-white, cream, ivory, pale taupe, pale silver, pearl, eggshell, milk, vanilla, tofu . . . that about covers it. Pastels are fine as long as they’re not too pale, since bridal dresses also come in very light shades of shell, pink, peach, butter, sky blue and sage.

The thinking behind this is that you don’t want to upstage the bride. Even if you’re wearing a cream-colored tailored suit, the bride could be wearing something similar. And you don’t want her to burst into tears at the sight of you.

As for that bridesmaid imparting the news of your inappropriate dress, we find that a tad tacky. You sound like a fashion babe in the woods and not some drama queen who has to be the center of attention. Guests should not be made to feel ill at ease, unless, of course, they’re accessorizing their attire by placing a lampshade on their head.

* When reporting or preventing a fashion crime, write to Fashion Police, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053, or fax to (213) 237-0732. Submissions cannot be returned. No telephone inquiries, please.