LAUGH LINES

Reading Skills: “George W. Bush said that if he is elected, he will spend $5 billion to teach kids to read by the third grade. In California, we already have a billion-dollar plan to teach third-grade reading. We call it the 12th grade.” (Jay Leno)

Let’s Rephrase That: “The Publisher’s Clearing House has settled a lawsuit with 23 states. In addition to paying out $16 million in damages, the company has agreed to change the wording of its entry forms to be more truthful. That means instead of declaring, ‘You are a winner,’ they’ll now read: ‘You don’t have a chance in hell.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

Get a Lifeline?: “George W. Bush and Al Gore are bickering over the presidential debates format. The fight is over the ground rules. On every question, Bush wants to be able to phone a friend and Gore wants to poll the audience.” (Argus Hamilton)

Real TV: With the success of “Survivor,” “experts forecast a proliferation of reality-based series on TV next season. . . . Soon, TV will look so much like real life, we won’t need to turn it on.” (Daily Scoop)

Break Time: “On Labor Day, America takes a holiday from work--and comes to grips with what Al Gore has faced every day for the last eight years.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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