With Plenty to Say, He Needs Someone to Listen

The five most annoying words in the English language are usually on my voice mail when I arrive at work in the morning: “This is Jeff in Tarzana.”

On our telephones, if you press the star button and then the number three, you can just delete Jeff in Tarzana without ever hearing anything he has to say. I’ve found it’s an exhilarating way to start the day.

Now I’ve gotten so good and so fast at punching the buttons that I can dump Jeff in Tarzana before he really gets to the “f” in Jeff. I’m so focused in beating that “f,” that quite by accident--I swear--I’ve caught myself doing the same thing when I’ve gotten the message: “This is your wife.”

My all-time record is the “D” in Dwyre.

JEFF IN Tarzana, as some of you who have no life know, is a regular caller to sports talk radio shows, doing so since 1969 in Los Angeles, and doing so on such an annoying regular basis that he has been banned from the McDonnell-Douglas Show--at the risk of Joe McDonnell and Doug Krikorian losing their only listener.

Monday night Jeff in Tarzana called into KABC-TV and successfully answered the trivia question and won a camcorder. Tuesday he offered his opinions on KMPC’s Trojan Talk, and Wednesday morning he checked in with the Loose Cannons on XTRA. He has all the phone numbers for radio and TV stations memorized.

For years, when Notre Dame loses, he sends a letter to Regis Philbin to rub it in. “I’m going to be sending a lot of letters this year,” he says.

He writes letters to the editor, places calls to sportswriters at the Los Angeles Daily News and The Times on a regular basis as well as a number of local TV broadcasters. “I called Lisa Guerrero at Fox the other day and left a message and mentioned your name,” he says. “I’m sure that’s why she hasn’t called me back.”

When he noticed Bruin fan Charles Chiccoa from Reseda was getting his letters printed regularly in Sports Viewpoint on Saturdays in The Times, he went to a telephone book looking for Chiccoa’s phone number to tell him a thing or two about the Bruins. Chiccoa’s number wasn’t listed, however, and let that be a lesson for anyone else who might come into contact with Jeff in Tarzana.

He says he’s younger than Krikorian, while noting, “isn’t everybody,” but older than McDonnell. He acknowledges he’s a big-time Trojan honk, uneasy now that everyone is going to learn he only took a few summer classes at USC and never graduated from the school. Others will say he just wised up.

He acknowledges he’s “addicted,” unable to listen to a sports talk show without calling in to give his opinion, and is also a regular FM radio listener because of the contests and prizes that are offered--keeping a calendar to tell him if he’s eligible because you can win only once every 30 days. It pays to keep track--having already won a trip for two to Norway.

Try to call him, and he refuses to pick up the phone between 1 and 2 p.m. every day, because he’s watching “Days Of Our Lives.” Not surprisingly, he says Plaschke is his favorite sportswriter in town.

NOW I’VE always wondered what kind of person would be willing to enter “The Jungle,” or venture into “The Vast Morning Wasteland,” and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you probably work for a living.

Jeff in Tarzana doesn’t, and that’s the way he likes it. “There’s no way I could work 40 hours a week,” he says, which makes him no different than some of the editors here.

A few years ago he tried working as an extra in movies, appearing as a face in the crowd in “Two Minute Warning,” but for the most part he lives now off the inheritance from his father’s death. “I’m just lazy,” he says. “I’m reliable--just not motivated. You tell me I can make $200 on a job in Laguna Beach, and I’m not going to make it, but tell me I have a dentist appointment, and I’ll be there.”

I checked. Jeff in Tarzana is not really Isaiah Rider.

Jeff in Tarzana went to Hamilton High and was a classmate of agent Leigh Steinberg, played wide receiver and second base, and still has a ribbon from the Westside Jewish Center proving he was checker champion at one time.

Of course, this makes him as qualified to give sports opinions as most radio sports talk show hosts. Maybe more so, because by the looks of Lee Hamilton, I think Jeff in Tarzana could take him in checkers. He doesn’t like Jim Rome’s Show, because he says the callers are uninformed, which should make for an interesting “Call of the Day” today when The Jungle convenes--on occasion I’ve thought about grabbing a vine.

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I’VE HEARD some of Jeff in Tarzana’s opinions, and they’re way off base. Remember, Plaschke is his favorite writer. He says some people think Shania Twain is pretty, others Faith Hill--he never mentions Salma Hayek, so what does he know?

“Sports talk radio is a great way for people to vent their frustrations and since you’re wrong 95% of the time in what you have to write, you can understand why people are so frustrated,” he says. “Now I don’t know what you’re going to write, but do me good, or you’ll be getting a call from me in the morning.”

That’s the star key, followed by the number three, and poof--silence.

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WE HEARD the most dreaded words in tennis again this week: “Kournikova ousted in first round.”

IT’S A good thing the Kings had some momentum from last year’s playoff run--no telling how badly they might have been beaten in their first three games without it.

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I WANT be on record as saying, “I think the Kings will win a game this year.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Ken:

“I’ve finally found a way to get through your Page Two diatribes. I read as far as I can, and then barf. Wednesday’s column about USC became a two-barf effort.”

Remind me not to sit in front of you at a USC game.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.