No Covering Up the Sorry State of Portland

In a decorating scheme best described as Early Paranoia, the Portland Trail Blazers covered their locker room grease board with white towels before Thursday’s playoff game.

They were fearful of members of the media seeing and stealing their plays. It is a fear as common in the hieroglyphic-schemed NBA as a fear of baggy shorts and slam dunks.

Call it Ink-Stained-Wretchaphobia.

A bit later, in the Lakers’ eventual 103-96 victory in Game 2 at Staples Center, we learned what the Trail Blazers were hiding.

And now, rest assured, we understand why.

The Trail Blazers didn’t want anybody to see the play where a barking Dale Davis kicks a basketball toward the stands and then stalks off barebacked like the dog that he is.

The Trail Blazers didn’t want anybody to see the play where Ruben Patterson throws Derek Fisher to the ground, then bounces the ball to the rafters when called for a foul.

The Trail Blazers didn’t want anyone to see how their complicated attack calls for Scottie Pippen sitting on the floor and pouting, or Rasheed Wallace jumping at the official and cursing.

If we had seen the grease board, we might have seen the blueprints for the airballs, the bad alley-oops, the quick misses, the lost rebounds.

Yeah, under the circumstances that have lifted the Lakers to a two-games-to-none advantage, there was only thing wrong with the white towels.

There should have been more of them.

“I’m trying to compose myself,” said Trail Blazer Coach Maurice Cheeks afterward, rubbing his forehead.

He later admitted, “Yeah, we lost a little composure. It was a little disappointing.”

And so unfortunate.

Despite closing the gap to six points late in the game against the bored Lakers, the Trail Blazers were generally so lousy, it obscured the fact the Lakers were pretty good.

Those who measure such things will agree that after a sluggish opening game, the Laker playoff run officially began with two-tenths of a second remaining in the first quarter.

Kobe Bryant, faced with an open last-second shot that he takes every single time in the regular season, instead passed the ball to Rick Fox in the corner.

Fox made a three-point shot at the buzzer, then leaped and pointed at Bryant in surprised and sincere gratitude.

Bryant getting everyone involved, Fox making his shots, the Lakers grabbing momentum as a clock hits 0:00?

Yeah, it’s spring sweeps at The Lake Show.

If only there was more drama.

If only the Trail Blazers didn’t resemble a Bob Saget sitcom.

I never thought I’d write these four words, but here goes:

I miss Arvydas Sabonis.

I miss the Trail Blazers of a couple of years ago.

I miss those teams that could actually compete consistently in these big games against the Lakers, making them fun, making them worth it.

“We got caught up in the game too much,” said Portland guard Derek Anderson. “We need to channel our emotions in the right way.”

You think?

What has happened to this once-great rivalry was most evident with 8:19 remaining Thursday, when Robert Horry blocked a silly Wallace runner, knocking the ball to Bryant.

Bryant flew downcourt past Anderson while Anderson was complaining to the referee.

Bryant then flipped it to Shaquille O’Neal, who hit a flying left-handed dunk over Pippen followed by a six-step monster stalk in front of the Laker bench.

Remind you of anything?

Actually, O’Neal’s celebrated monster stalk after his alley-oop dunk against the Trail Blazers in the celebrated Game 7 victory in the 2000 Western Conference finals did not seem like that many steps.

But the point was made.

The Trail Blazers haven’t been the same since blowing a 15-point lead in the fourth quarter of that game.

Since that game, the Lakers have won five consecutive playoff games against the Trail Blazers, with the losers never coming closer than seven points.

Hard to believe that Pippen is considered a championship player. Not in playoffs against the Lakers.

He simply cannot focus against his former mentor and current antagonist Phil Jackson.

Hard to believe, also, that Wallace is one of the league’s best power forwards. In this sort of games, he’s more of a circus sideshow.

Hard to believe that this Trail Blazer team won 12 consecutive games this season and actually beat the Lakers earlier this month in Portland.

Once again in the playoffs, when these dysfunctional folks are not covering up their boneheaded strategy with white towels, they are waving them.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com.